Hey there, happy new year and all that! I figured why not start off the new year by going back to the archives and digging up a personal favorite work of writing. It was essentially an assignment for a college class in first year but I figured since it has so much to offer to the public to spread it around for all to enjoy.
Post-modern and surrealist elements in vaporwave
Thursday, 21 January 2016
Thursday, 24 December 2015
Consumation
Let me consider the consumation
Of the tyrants, the imperialists
And the fools with too much power
They are but the scum of the earth
Who pour salt on the earth’s wounds
Their consumation is endless
But what can one expect from them
The imperialists will pillage
Under order of those tyrants
They are the fools with unbound malevolence
Letting their consumation consume them
Completely without any remorse
For their soul, for their purity
Oh how terrible it is to say
That they once had a sense of purity
They are scum, beasts and bastards
Who know nothing more than the one thing
That keeps them running, keeps them going
And that my dear friend
Is simply, consummation
Of the tyrants, the imperialists
And the fools with too much power
They are but the scum of the earth
Who pour salt on the earth’s wounds
Their consumation is endless
But what can one expect from them
The imperialists will pillage
Under order of those tyrants
They are the fools with unbound malevolence
Letting their consumation consume them
Completely without any remorse
For their soul, for their purity
Oh how terrible it is to say
That they once had a sense of purity
They are scum, beasts and bastards
Who know nothing more than the one thing
That keeps them running, keeps them going
And that my dear friend
Is simply, consummation
Wednesday, 23 December 2015
Pepsicane
For many years, drugs have become the domain of a seedy underground that had been fueled by miscalculations made by doctors striving to better the world and junkies who wanted to find newer ways to harass their senses. As perverse as that world is, its logic is more solid than the crack pipes that warp it. It is the science that twists the minds and the twisted that take the science to its limits. So rarely though do you encounter that what eventually ends up being sold in the streets came from the rusting vending machines where the dealers scrunch behind to sell their product. But man, the 70s were a wild time.
In 1971, the 25 year-old CEO of Pepsi Co., Larson H. Simwadd, had found himself on the cusp of a new era for the soda business as Coke sales had begun to plummet from their previously enormous sales. Being eager to prove himself to his associates, he had launched an aggressive campaign to capitalize on their competitors failure. For the next 7 years, Larson got as many celebrity sponsors that he could buy in the hopes of finally becoming the beloved cola of the USA. As his efforts grew to be more extravagant and detailed, the stress caused by the immense paperwork grew larger than the percentage that the sales increased. Larson found himself in a snag that many corporate heads found themselves in; the stress of a job too big for their idealism to handle. Realizing that there was no point to try anything cleaner, Larson went straight into snorting cocaine.
His first taste of the nose sugar was something that outright disgusted him. Sure it gave him the energy to continue running the company, but the sensations it gave he absolutely despised. He figured that there had to be some way to give a drug with such potential the proper kick for the young soul. He sent his remaining bag of cocaine to some of the scientists in the Pepsi Co. plant and gave the order to reinvent it. J. Esvar Bradham, the head of the scientists, took it upon himself to change certain elements in the drug and combine it with the Pepsi secret formula. After an explosion that resulted from some careless mixing, the recently one-eyed Esvar managed to create a cola-brown powder dubbed pepsicane.
Pepsicane was identical to cocaine in method and in sensation, but in flavor, pepsicane was beyond addictive. It's texture was so delightful that Esvar lied compulsively to Larson over the process of the altered yeyo. It wasn't until a night in December of '75 that Larson stumbled upon the motherlode in Esvar's office. He had become increasingly agitated after the board members yelled at him for how his decisions have actually started to cost the company a substantial amount of money (but not enough to get them bankrupt because that's just preposterous). Larson took from Esvar's stash and upon tasting it found himself in the greatest state of euphoria that no amount of Asian hookers could ever bring. He grabbed Esvar and ordered him to make him a suitcase full or else he'd be fired. Esvar had no choice but to comply, but with the energy that pepsicane gave him, he was able to make enough for the two of them.
What Esvar was unaware about was that Larson was spreading the pepsicane all over the meeting tables with his associates and the naked bodies of the underqualified but exceptionally buxom secretaries. Along with the white-collar clusterfucking, they were coming up with the various ways to name the drug and sell it to the underground clubs and circuits of the nation. Anywhere you heard cola crystals, colastals, brown nose sugar, Big P, pepsika, sika or dark coke, you were near the presence of the drug. Some of the vending machines in the ghetto found themselves dispensing the drug stuffed inside a crumpled can of Pepsi if you pressed the buttons in a certain order. Pepsi may have not been able to finally overcome their competitor head on, but they were still able to make more money that they could ever dream of.
Larson had made a name of himself for those previous strategies and more that helped distribute the product and was able to afford the finest that life could be with illegal money. His methods were spectacular in catching the young eye as the packaging of the drugs suited their rebellious side just enough to embrace it with a good line of pepsicane. Celebrities had become hooked too, and had taken upon themselves to go with the practice of saltpeppering which involved the mixing of the two drugs. While the high was getting him to heights beyond comprehension, the lows dragged down with thrice the power.
Firstly, the drug's side-effects from long-term use took effect and struck just as hard as cocaine. Some other effects included dehydration, bad posture, blackened gums, yellowed blood veins and "syrup piss", the latter three which Larson experienced quite painfully. Secondly, Esvar demanded his cut from the immense amount of money that came from this deal in '84 with a loaded shotgun. Thirdly, the same year the cocaine dealers sent a message to Pepsi Co. from their secret deals with the dreaded Pepsi Incident with Micheal Jackson. Pepsicane was soon the be connected to the source and Larson had done enough to create that divide so the cops wouldn't start sniffing around his place. He resigned from his position after the months of damage control from the "accident" and begun to clean himself.
The 80s saw a shift from the company to remove any indication that they had anything to do with pepsicane, even going so far to fire employees who believed otherwise. By this point Esvar had retired to enjoy his days in a remote island in the Carribean and the original board members of Pepsi Co. during the Pepsicane era either found themselves working for Coke, a start-up soda company or overdosing on the product on lucrative business trips in Las Vegas strip clubs. Meanwhile the wars between cocaine and pepsicane cartels grew to be bloodier each time that the two met. The conflicts reached its apex when in '89, members of the Sika Squad and the Kokas had a firefight that claimed 6 innocent bystanders.
The FBI was under strict order to rid pepsicane from the streets, which they figured they could so since it didn't have the same complicated strongholds that cocaine thrived under. D-Siskane, the leader of the Sika Squad did not want to be weaseled out of such a fruitful business, so he sent a group that tracked down Esvar to ask for the recipe with as many guns as crime could by. Esvar told them that Larson was the one with the recipe, and that he had stolen it from Esvar just to spite him for the cut that he received. The group then went to find Larson which took three years after the Sika-Koka Conflict. Once finding him, they raided Larson's house finding his recipe and then pelting the man to death with tons of Coca Cola bottles since they had used up all of their bullets on a Koka gang that ambushed them.
Upon getting the recipe, the Sika Squad created a variant of pepsicane that looked more like cocaine, which they dubbed crystal pepsicane, but sold it as regular cocaine. This somehow managed to calm the feud between the Sika Squad and the Kokas for a few months until it became an issue of territory. It was also found that the Sika Squad would still sell the pure pepsicane with the code "Sika Classic", which managed to be revealed by a subliminal message hidden in a work by Travis Charest. The scarcity of original pepsicane only continued to a point where if one were to find a dealer of the product, they would venture into corners of the world they would never want to encounter again.
The demand for pepsicane hasn't changed though. In all the dingiest and desensitized alleyways and crackhouses, there is speak of the illustrious brown nose sugar. Dealers still wish to obtain the recipe which by now is only in the possession of Esvar after making a deal with the Sika Squad, the few members that survived and did not convert to Kokas (including D-Siskane), a member of the Kokas through sheer dumb luck and a prostitute-pimp in Eastern Europe for some reason, whom all of which have made it their mission to keep their operations on the down low. They sell only to those with the money and the eccentricity to follow through with a drug that was to be the choice of a new generation.
In 1971, the 25 year-old CEO of Pepsi Co., Larson H. Simwadd, had found himself on the cusp of a new era for the soda business as Coke sales had begun to plummet from their previously enormous sales. Being eager to prove himself to his associates, he had launched an aggressive campaign to capitalize on their competitors failure. For the next 7 years, Larson got as many celebrity sponsors that he could buy in the hopes of finally becoming the beloved cola of the USA. As his efforts grew to be more extravagant and detailed, the stress caused by the immense paperwork grew larger than the percentage that the sales increased. Larson found himself in a snag that many corporate heads found themselves in; the stress of a job too big for their idealism to handle. Realizing that there was no point to try anything cleaner, Larson went straight into snorting cocaine.
His first taste of the nose sugar was something that outright disgusted him. Sure it gave him the energy to continue running the company, but the sensations it gave he absolutely despised. He figured that there had to be some way to give a drug with such potential the proper kick for the young soul. He sent his remaining bag of cocaine to some of the scientists in the Pepsi Co. plant and gave the order to reinvent it. J. Esvar Bradham, the head of the scientists, took it upon himself to change certain elements in the drug and combine it with the Pepsi secret formula. After an explosion that resulted from some careless mixing, the recently one-eyed Esvar managed to create a cola-brown powder dubbed pepsicane.
Pepsicane was identical to cocaine in method and in sensation, but in flavor, pepsicane was beyond addictive. It's texture was so delightful that Esvar lied compulsively to Larson over the process of the altered yeyo. It wasn't until a night in December of '75 that Larson stumbled upon the motherlode in Esvar's office. He had become increasingly agitated after the board members yelled at him for how his decisions have actually started to cost the company a substantial amount of money (but not enough to get them bankrupt because that's just preposterous). Larson took from Esvar's stash and upon tasting it found himself in the greatest state of euphoria that no amount of Asian hookers could ever bring. He grabbed Esvar and ordered him to make him a suitcase full or else he'd be fired. Esvar had no choice but to comply, but with the energy that pepsicane gave him, he was able to make enough for the two of them.
What Esvar was unaware about was that Larson was spreading the pepsicane all over the meeting tables with his associates and the naked bodies of the underqualified but exceptionally buxom secretaries. Along with the white-collar clusterfucking, they were coming up with the various ways to name the drug and sell it to the underground clubs and circuits of the nation. Anywhere you heard cola crystals, colastals, brown nose sugar, Big P, pepsika, sika or dark coke, you were near the presence of the drug. Some of the vending machines in the ghetto found themselves dispensing the drug stuffed inside a crumpled can of Pepsi if you pressed the buttons in a certain order. Pepsi may have not been able to finally overcome their competitor head on, but they were still able to make more money that they could ever dream of.
Larson had made a name of himself for those previous strategies and more that helped distribute the product and was able to afford the finest that life could be with illegal money. His methods were spectacular in catching the young eye as the packaging of the drugs suited their rebellious side just enough to embrace it with a good line of pepsicane. Celebrities had become hooked too, and had taken upon themselves to go with the practice of saltpeppering which involved the mixing of the two drugs. While the high was getting him to heights beyond comprehension, the lows dragged down with thrice the power.
Firstly, the drug's side-effects from long-term use took effect and struck just as hard as cocaine. Some other effects included dehydration, bad posture, blackened gums, yellowed blood veins and "syrup piss", the latter three which Larson experienced quite painfully. Secondly, Esvar demanded his cut from the immense amount of money that came from this deal in '84 with a loaded shotgun. Thirdly, the same year the cocaine dealers sent a message to Pepsi Co. from their secret deals with the dreaded Pepsi Incident with Micheal Jackson. Pepsicane was soon the be connected to the source and Larson had done enough to create that divide so the cops wouldn't start sniffing around his place. He resigned from his position after the months of damage control from the "accident" and begun to clean himself.
The 80s saw a shift from the company to remove any indication that they had anything to do with pepsicane, even going so far to fire employees who believed otherwise. By this point Esvar had retired to enjoy his days in a remote island in the Carribean and the original board members of Pepsi Co. during the Pepsicane era either found themselves working for Coke, a start-up soda company or overdosing on the product on lucrative business trips in Las Vegas strip clubs. Meanwhile the wars between cocaine and pepsicane cartels grew to be bloodier each time that the two met. The conflicts reached its apex when in '89, members of the Sika Squad and the Kokas had a firefight that claimed 6 innocent bystanders.
The FBI was under strict order to rid pepsicane from the streets, which they figured they could so since it didn't have the same complicated strongholds that cocaine thrived under. D-Siskane, the leader of the Sika Squad did not want to be weaseled out of such a fruitful business, so he sent a group that tracked down Esvar to ask for the recipe with as many guns as crime could by. Esvar told them that Larson was the one with the recipe, and that he had stolen it from Esvar just to spite him for the cut that he received. The group then went to find Larson which took three years after the Sika-Koka Conflict. Once finding him, they raided Larson's house finding his recipe and then pelting the man to death with tons of Coca Cola bottles since they had used up all of their bullets on a Koka gang that ambushed them.
Upon getting the recipe, the Sika Squad created a variant of pepsicane that looked more like cocaine, which they dubbed crystal pepsicane, but sold it as regular cocaine. This somehow managed to calm the feud between the Sika Squad and the Kokas for a few months until it became an issue of territory. It was also found that the Sika Squad would still sell the pure pepsicane with the code "Sika Classic", which managed to be revealed by a subliminal message hidden in a work by Travis Charest. The scarcity of original pepsicane only continued to a point where if one were to find a dealer of the product, they would venture into corners of the world they would never want to encounter again.
The demand for pepsicane hasn't changed though. In all the dingiest and desensitized alleyways and crackhouses, there is speak of the illustrious brown nose sugar. Dealers still wish to obtain the recipe which by now is only in the possession of Esvar after making a deal with the Sika Squad, the few members that survived and did not convert to Kokas (including D-Siskane), a member of the Kokas through sheer dumb luck and a prostitute-pimp in Eastern Europe for some reason, whom all of which have made it their mission to keep their operations on the down low. They sell only to those with the money and the eccentricity to follow through with a drug that was to be the choice of a new generation.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
Superficial Meaning
I look upon the sky above me
With all of its lost stars
As the roof below
Puts me above the rest
That including my lesser self
And yet I still find I rest
Upon a dreary pedestal
As if I was a bust
In an abandoned home office
Thinking about something beyond
Those internal perversions
Which I can't help but think of
For I don't know much better
I force my head above
And I swoon from the predictable magic
Letting my heart beat faster
Without it pumping more blood
Without it filling those needed pores
Still, I feel that those it goes to
Need its fervor to intensify
For my heart has not learned yet
How to fill such holes
It does the next best it can
And it lets me see those stars better
Maybe not how they really are
But at least I don't let them be lost
I keep that in mind when I come down
And I tell a story rather than their myth
But their influence pervades my narrative
And those willing to be closer
Make up their mind
To open to me theirs and more
And while those previous thoughts
Come back once more
Reminding me of their truth
And hoping for it to take hold
I still want to let that magic come by
Even if such cliches are not needed
I just don't see it any other way
If I wish to explore those minds
That I have opened with lost stars
That spoke to my lost soul
With all of its lost stars
As the roof below
Puts me above the rest
That including my lesser self
And yet I still find I rest
Upon a dreary pedestal
As if I was a bust
In an abandoned home office
Thinking about something beyond
Those internal perversions
Which I can't help but think of
For I don't know much better
I force my head above
And I swoon from the predictable magic
Letting my heart beat faster
Without it pumping more blood
Without it filling those needed pores
Still, I feel that those it goes to
Need its fervor to intensify
For my heart has not learned yet
How to fill such holes
It does the next best it can
And it lets me see those stars better
Maybe not how they really are
But at least I don't let them be lost
I keep that in mind when I come down
And I tell a story rather than their myth
But their influence pervades my narrative
And those willing to be closer
Make up their mind
To open to me theirs and more
And while those previous thoughts
Come back once more
Reminding me of their truth
And hoping for it to take hold
I still want to let that magic come by
Even if such cliches are not needed
I just don't see it any other way
If I wish to explore those minds
That I have opened with lost stars
That spoke to my lost soul
Monday, 21 December 2015
Here...Have Some Old Python Programs
This one's gonna be a bit of a rushed entry because I just came home and my dad had taken me to White Spot and OH FUCKING LORD THESE EXAMS AND GODDAMN JETLAG IS DRIVING ME INSANE so yeah here's some Python programs I had made:
The first one is called drunken_math. Essentially the idea is that this program would function like a drunk mathematician. It's stupid, I know.
def drunken_math(num1, num2, sign, drinks, alc_cont):
""" (int, int, str, int, float) -> str
Precondition: alc_cont < 1.0
Returns the equation according to drunken math
>>> drunken_math(1, 1, '+', 10, 0.5)
'*hic* 1 + 1 = 7'
>>> drunken_math(2, 4, '-', 4, 0.6)
'*hic* 2 - 4 = -2'
>>> drunken_math(3, 7, '*', 7, 0.267)
'*hic* 3 * 7 = 0'
>>> drunken_math(30, 5, '/', 6, 0.309)
'*hic* 30 / 5 = 1'
"""
hiccup = round(drinks * alc_cont)
if sign in '+-*/' and len(sign) == 1:
if sign == '+':
drunk_num = num1 + num2 + hiccup
if sign == '-':
drunk_num = num2 - num1 - (hiccup * 2)
if sign == '*':
drunk_num = num2 * num1 * (round(hiccup / 4))
if sign == '/':
drunk_num = round((num1 / num2) / (hiccup + num2))
equation = str(num1) + ' ' + sign + ' ' + str(num2)
return('*hic* ' + equation + ' = ' + str(drunk_num))
else:
return('No sir, I can\'t do it, now drive me home *hic*')
The second one is polynomials_with_six. A lot more interesting mathematically speaking and it saved my ass when I was in first year so this is cool.
def six_x(num): #6x
return num % 6 == 0
def six_x_plus_1(num): #6x + 1
return ((num - 1) // 6) == ((num - 1) / 6)
def six_x_squared(num): #6(x ** 2)
return ((num // 6) ** 0.5) == ((num / 6) ** 0.5)
def six_x_squared_plus_1(num): #6(x ** 2) + 1
return (((num - 1) // 6) ** 0.5) == (((num - 1) / 6) ** 0.5)
def six_x_squared_plus_five_x(num): #6(x ** 2) + 5x == x(6x + 5)
i = 0
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
while test < num:
i = i + 1
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
return test == num
def six_x_squared_plus_five_x_plus_1(num): #6(x ** 2) + 5x + 1 == x(6x + 5) + 1
num = num - 1
i = 0
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
while test < num:
i = i + 1
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
return test == num
def six_x_plus_five_y_plus_1(num): #6x + 5y + 1
num = num - 1
i = 0
temp = num - (5 * i)
while temp > 0 and temp % 6 != 0:
i = i + 1
temp = num - (5 * i)
if temp % 6:
return False
else:
return ['y is equal to ' + str(i), 'x is equal to ' + str(temp // 6)]
Third one is this bizarre form of sigma notation I conjured up called Siretsuonian Sigma. God only knows.
'''
A polynomial is a statement with a variable and equations
such as 'x ** 2' or '3 * x + 2'
'''
def siretsuonian_sigma(l, h, eff_x, gee_a, n_input, n_in_x=None):
''' (int, int, polynomial, polynomial, int/str, polynomial) -> num
Precondition: h > l
Return a number based on Siretsuonian Sigma Notation
'''
if n_input == 'from x' and n_in_x == None:
l_to_h = list(range(l, h+1))
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(len(l_to_h)):
x_value = l_to_h[i]
a_value = l_to_h[-1 - (i)]
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
siret_sigma = siret_sum / len(l_to_h)
return siret_sigma
elif n_input == 'from x' and n_in_x != None:
return 'That cannot be calculated'
elif str(n_input).isdigit() and n_in_x == None:
a_value = n_input
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(l, h+1):
x_value = i
if x_value != n_input:
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
else:
try:
siret_sum = siret_sum + eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
siret_sum = siret_sum
siret_sigma = siret_sum / ((h - l) + 1)
return siret_sigma
elif str(n_input).isdigit() and n_in_x != None:
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(l, h+1):
x_value = i
n_x = n_in_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
a_value = round(eval(n_x))
except ZeroDivisionError:
a_value = n_input
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
if x_value != n_input:
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
else:
try:
siret_sum = siret_sum + eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
siret_sum = siret_sum
siret_sigma = siret_sum / ((h - l) + 1)
return siret_sigma
The fourth one involves balls. That's all I can say.
import random
def shuffle_cups(cups):
shuffle_cups = []
for i in range(len(cups)):
new_cup = random.choice(cups)
shuffle_cups.append(new_cup)
cups.remove(new_cup)
return shuffle_cups
def get_three_red_balls():
red_ball_counter = 0
attempts = 0
start = input('What level of difficulty do you want? ')
levels = ['1', '2', '3', '4']
while start not in levels:
start = input('What level of difficulty do you want? ')
if start in levels:
if start == '1':
cups = ['red ball', 'red ball', 'white ball']
elif start == '2':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball']
elif start == '3':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball', 'green ball']
elif start == '4':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball', 'green ball', 'white ball']
while red_ball_counter < 3:
copy_cups = tuple(cups)
new_cups = shuffle_cups(cups)
print('There are ' + str(len(new_cups)) + ' cups')
choose = int(input('Where is the red ball? '))
while choose not in range(1, len(new_cups) + 1):
print('There is no cup that exists')
choose = int(input('Where is the red ball? '))
choice = choose - 1
if new_cups[choice] == 'red ball' and red_ball_counter == 2:
red_ball_counter = red_ball_counter + 1
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
elif new_cups[choice] == 'red ball' and red_ball_counter < 2:
red_ball_counter = red_ball_counter + 1
print('You got one! Only ' + str(3 - red_ball_counter) + ' left')
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
if new_cups[choice] != 'red ball':
print('Sorry, you did not get a red ball.')
print('You got instead: ' + str(new_cups[choice]))
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
if red_ball_counter == 3:
print('You got 3 of them! Attempts made: ' + str(attempts))
try_again = input('Again? ')
if try_again in ['Yes', 'yes', 'y', 'Y']:
get_three_red_balls()
elif try_again in ['Fuck you', 'FUCK YOU']:
print("Okay asshole, now you've done it")
cups = ['white ball'] * 100 + ['red ball']
new_cups = shuffle_cups(cups)
print("There's 101 cups")
print("Only one has a red ball")
print("If you think you're so poppin' fresh, which one has it?")
guess = int(input('Well? '))
while guess not in range(1, 102):
guess = int(input("Is this too hard for you, sunshine? Give me an answer! "))
if new_cups[guess - 1] == 'red ball':
print('Fuck, you win...')
else:
print("Don't you be dissing me again, boy.")
else:
print('Okay...ttyl')
Fifth is a program called obnoxious_salesman. It would probably work better if it wasn't solely text-based.
def obnoxious_salesman():
first_line = input("Hey, can I interest you in this product? ")
while first_line != 'No':
first_line = input("Hey, did you hear me? ")
if first_line == 'No':
second_line = input("Come on, it's absolutely wonderful! ")
counter = 0
while second_line != 'Go away' and counter % 2 == 0:
second_line = input("You know you want it! ")
counter = counter + 1
while second_line != 'Go away' and counter % 2 == 1:
second_line = input("I know you want it! ")
counter = counter + 1
if second_line == 'Go away':
third_line = input("Please sir, I got a family to feed. ")
while third_line != "I don't believe you":
if third_line == "Really?":
third_line = input("Yes, I do. " )
if third_line == "How many kids?":
third_line = input("Uh...3, I think... " )
else:
third_line = input("Come on, I'm desperate! ")
if third_line == "I don't believe you":
fourth_line = input("No, really! I do! ")
flb1 = "What's one of your sons' name?" #flb stands for fourth line breaker
flb2 = "What's your daughter's name?"
flb3 = "How many boys and girls?"
flb4 = ['Liar', 'Liar!', 'You liar!']
while fourth_line not in flb4:
if fourth_line == flb1:
fourth_line = input("Sandra...I MEAN SAM! ")
if fourth_line == flb2:
fourth_line = input("Sandra. ")
if fourth_line == flb3:
fourth_line = input("Two boys and one girl. ")
if fourth_line in flb4:
fifth_line = input('PLEASE, JUST BUY ONE OF THEM! ')
flbl = ['No way', 'No dice', 'Nuh-uh', 'Not a chance'] #fifth line breaker list
while fifth_line not in flbl:
fifth_line = input('I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE! ')
if fifth_line in flbl:
print('You win...jerk.')
Sixth one is really useful if you ever want to put text inside of a box. Yeah.
def in_a_box(text):
""" (str) -> print
Return text in a box
>>> in_a_box('thirty days\nwool')
---------------
| thirty days |
| wool |
---------------
"""
#obtain lines
lines = []
line = ''
for ch in text:
if ch != '\n':
line = line + ch
else:
lines.append(line)
line = ''
#get last line the for loop overlooks (if it is not empty)
if line.strip() != '':
lines.append(line)
#obtain length of longest line, which we dub hard_line
lengths = []
for item in lines:
length = len(item)
lengths.append(length)
hard_line = max(lengths)
tops = '-' * 4 + '-' * hard_line
#building the box
print(tops)
for i in range(len(lines)):
if len(lines[i]) == hard_line:
print("| " + lines[i] + " |")
elif len(lines[i]) != hard_line and len(lines[i]) % 2 == 0:
if hard_line % 2 == 0:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("| " + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * num_space + " |")
elif hard_line % 2 == 1:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("| " + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + " |")
elif len(lines[i]) != hard_line and len(lines[i]) % 2 == 1:
if hard_line % 2 == 0:
num_space = hard_line // 2
print("|" + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + "|")
elif hard_line % 2 == 1:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("|" + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + "|")
print(tops)
And finally, the greatest one of them all, the best program that I, nay, anyone has ever coded ever before in their lives:
def guess():
x = input('Give me a number between 1 and 10: ')
if int(x) > 10:
print('Too high')
y = input()
if y == 'U fukkin know it':
print('B^)')
I know this is a cop-out but I did put a lot of effort into these back in the day. Especially the last one. Please don't judge me. I've had a long day.
The first one is called drunken_math. Essentially the idea is that this program would function like a drunk mathematician. It's stupid, I know.
def drunken_math(num1, num2, sign, drinks, alc_cont):
""" (int, int, str, int, float) -> str
Precondition: alc_cont < 1.0
Returns the equation according to drunken math
>>> drunken_math(1, 1, '+', 10, 0.5)
'*hic* 1 + 1 = 7'
>>> drunken_math(2, 4, '-', 4, 0.6)
'*hic* 2 - 4 = -2'
>>> drunken_math(3, 7, '*', 7, 0.267)
'*hic* 3 * 7 = 0'
>>> drunken_math(30, 5, '/', 6, 0.309)
'*hic* 30 / 5 = 1'
"""
hiccup = round(drinks * alc_cont)
if sign in '+-*/' and len(sign) == 1:
if sign == '+':
drunk_num = num1 + num2 + hiccup
if sign == '-':
drunk_num = num2 - num1 - (hiccup * 2)
if sign == '*':
drunk_num = num2 * num1 * (round(hiccup / 4))
if sign == '/':
drunk_num = round((num1 / num2) / (hiccup + num2))
equation = str(num1) + ' ' + sign + ' ' + str(num2)
return('*hic* ' + equation + ' = ' + str(drunk_num))
else:
return('No sir, I can\'t do it, now drive me home *hic*')
The second one is polynomials_with_six. A lot more interesting mathematically speaking and it saved my ass when I was in first year so this is cool.
def six_x(num): #6x
return num % 6 == 0
def six_x_plus_1(num): #6x + 1
return ((num - 1) // 6) == ((num - 1) / 6)
def six_x_squared(num): #6(x ** 2)
return ((num // 6) ** 0.5) == ((num / 6) ** 0.5)
def six_x_squared_plus_1(num): #6(x ** 2) + 1
return (((num - 1) // 6) ** 0.5) == (((num - 1) / 6) ** 0.5)
def six_x_squared_plus_five_x(num): #6(x ** 2) + 5x == x(6x + 5)
i = 0
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
while test < num:
i = i + 1
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
return test == num
def six_x_squared_plus_five_x_plus_1(num): #6(x ** 2) + 5x + 1 == x(6x + 5) + 1
num = num - 1
i = 0
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
while test < num:
i = i + 1
test = i * (6 * i + 5)
return test == num
def six_x_plus_five_y_plus_1(num): #6x + 5y + 1
num = num - 1
i = 0
temp = num - (5 * i)
while temp > 0 and temp % 6 != 0:
i = i + 1
temp = num - (5 * i)
if temp % 6:
return False
else:
return ['y is equal to ' + str(i), 'x is equal to ' + str(temp // 6)]
Third one is this bizarre form of sigma notation I conjured up called Siretsuonian Sigma. God only knows.
'''
A polynomial is a statement with a variable and equations
such as 'x ** 2' or '3 * x + 2'
'''
def siretsuonian_sigma(l, h, eff_x, gee_a, n_input, n_in_x=None):
''' (int, int, polynomial, polynomial, int/str, polynomial) -> num
Precondition: h > l
Return a number based on Siretsuonian Sigma Notation
'''
if n_input == 'from x' and n_in_x == None:
l_to_h = list(range(l, h+1))
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(len(l_to_h)):
x_value = l_to_h[i]
a_value = l_to_h[-1 - (i)]
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
siret_sigma = siret_sum / len(l_to_h)
return siret_sigma
elif n_input == 'from x' and n_in_x != None:
return 'That cannot be calculated'
elif str(n_input).isdigit() and n_in_x == None:
a_value = n_input
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(l, h+1):
x_value = i
if x_value != n_input:
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
else:
try:
siret_sum = siret_sum + eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
siret_sum = siret_sum
siret_sigma = siret_sum / ((h - l) + 1)
return siret_sigma
elif str(n_input).isdigit() and n_in_x != None:
siret_sum = 0
for i in range(l, h+1):
x_value = i
n_x = n_in_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
a_value = round(eval(n_x))
except ZeroDivisionError:
a_value = n_input
g_a = gee_a.replace('a', str(a_value))
if 'x' in g_a:
g_a = g_a.replace('x', str(x_value))
if x_value != n_input:
f_x = eff_x.replace('x', str(x_value))
try:
x_and_a = eval(f_x) * eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
x_and_a = 0
siret_sum = siret_sum + x_and_a
else:
try:
siret_sum = siret_sum + eval(g_a)
except ZeroDivisionError:
siret_sum = siret_sum
siret_sigma = siret_sum / ((h - l) + 1)
return siret_sigma
The fourth one involves balls. That's all I can say.
import random
def shuffle_cups(cups):
shuffle_cups = []
for i in range(len(cups)):
new_cup = random.choice(cups)
shuffle_cups.append(new_cup)
cups.remove(new_cup)
return shuffle_cups
def get_three_red_balls():
red_ball_counter = 0
attempts = 0
start = input('What level of difficulty do you want? ')
levels = ['1', '2', '3', '4']
while start not in levels:
start = input('What level of difficulty do you want? ')
if start in levels:
if start == '1':
cups = ['red ball', 'red ball', 'white ball']
elif start == '2':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball']
elif start == '3':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball', 'green ball']
elif start == '4':
cups = ['red ball', 'yellow ball', 'blue ball', 'green ball', 'white ball']
while red_ball_counter < 3:
copy_cups = tuple(cups)
new_cups = shuffle_cups(cups)
print('There are ' + str(len(new_cups)) + ' cups')
choose = int(input('Where is the red ball? '))
while choose not in range(1, len(new_cups) + 1):
print('There is no cup that exists')
choose = int(input('Where is the red ball? '))
choice = choose - 1
if new_cups[choice] == 'red ball' and red_ball_counter == 2:
red_ball_counter = red_ball_counter + 1
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
elif new_cups[choice] == 'red ball' and red_ball_counter < 2:
red_ball_counter = red_ball_counter + 1
print('You got one! Only ' + str(3 - red_ball_counter) + ' left')
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
if new_cups[choice] != 'red ball':
print('Sorry, you did not get a red ball.')
print('You got instead: ' + str(new_cups[choice]))
attempts = attempts + 1
cups = list(copy_cups)
if red_ball_counter == 3:
print('You got 3 of them! Attempts made: ' + str(attempts))
try_again = input('Again? ')
if try_again in ['Yes', 'yes', 'y', 'Y']:
get_three_red_balls()
elif try_again in ['Fuck you', 'FUCK YOU']:
print("Okay asshole, now you've done it")
cups = ['white ball'] * 100 + ['red ball']
new_cups = shuffle_cups(cups)
print("There's 101 cups")
print("Only one has a red ball")
print("If you think you're so poppin' fresh, which one has it?")
guess = int(input('Well? '))
while guess not in range(1, 102):
guess = int(input("Is this too hard for you, sunshine? Give me an answer! "))
if new_cups[guess - 1] == 'red ball':
print('Fuck, you win...')
else:
print("Don't you be dissing me again, boy.")
else:
print('Okay...ttyl')
Fifth is a program called obnoxious_salesman. It would probably work better if it wasn't solely text-based.
def obnoxious_salesman():
first_line = input("Hey, can I interest you in this product? ")
while first_line != 'No':
first_line = input("Hey, did you hear me? ")
if first_line == 'No':
second_line = input("Come on, it's absolutely wonderful! ")
counter = 0
while second_line != 'Go away' and counter % 2 == 0:
second_line = input("You know you want it! ")
counter = counter + 1
while second_line != 'Go away' and counter % 2 == 1:
second_line = input("I know you want it! ")
counter = counter + 1
if second_line == 'Go away':
third_line = input("Please sir, I got a family to feed. ")
while third_line != "I don't believe you":
if third_line == "Really?":
third_line = input("Yes, I do. " )
if third_line == "How many kids?":
third_line = input("Uh...3, I think... " )
else:
third_line = input("Come on, I'm desperate! ")
if third_line == "I don't believe you":
fourth_line = input("No, really! I do! ")
flb1 = "What's one of your sons' name?" #flb stands for fourth line breaker
flb2 = "What's your daughter's name?"
flb3 = "How many boys and girls?"
flb4 = ['Liar', 'Liar!', 'You liar!']
while fourth_line not in flb4:
if fourth_line == flb1:
fourth_line = input("Sandra...I MEAN SAM! ")
if fourth_line == flb2:
fourth_line = input("Sandra. ")
if fourth_line == flb3:
fourth_line = input("Two boys and one girl. ")
if fourth_line in flb4:
fifth_line = input('PLEASE, JUST BUY ONE OF THEM! ')
flbl = ['No way', 'No dice', 'Nuh-uh', 'Not a chance'] #fifth line breaker list
while fifth_line not in flbl:
fifth_line = input('I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE! ')
if fifth_line in flbl:
print('You win...jerk.')
Sixth one is really useful if you ever want to put text inside of a box. Yeah.
def in_a_box(text):
""" (str) -> print
Return text in a box
>>> in_a_box('thirty days\nwool')
---------------
| thirty days |
| wool |
---------------
"""
#obtain lines
lines = []
line = ''
for ch in text:
if ch != '\n':
line = line + ch
else:
lines.append(line)
line = ''
#get last line the for loop overlooks (if it is not empty)
if line.strip() != '':
lines.append(line)
#obtain length of longest line, which we dub hard_line
lengths = []
for item in lines:
length = len(item)
lengths.append(length)
hard_line = max(lengths)
tops = '-' * 4 + '-' * hard_line
#building the box
print(tops)
for i in range(len(lines)):
if len(lines[i]) == hard_line:
print("| " + lines[i] + " |")
elif len(lines[i]) != hard_line and len(lines[i]) % 2 == 0:
if hard_line % 2 == 0:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("| " + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * num_space + " |")
elif hard_line % 2 == 1:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("| " + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + " |")
elif len(lines[i]) != hard_line and len(lines[i]) % 2 == 1:
if hard_line % 2 == 0:
num_space = hard_line // 2
print("|" + ' ' * num_space + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + "|")
elif hard_line % 2 == 1:
num_space = (hard_line // 2) - (len(lines[i]) // 2)
print("|" + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + lines[i] + ' ' * (num_space + 1) + "|")
print(tops)
And finally, the greatest one of them all, the best program that I, nay, anyone has ever coded ever before in their lives:
def guess():
x = input('Give me a number between 1 and 10: ')
if int(x) > 10:
print('Too high')
y = input()
if y == 'U fukkin know it':
print('B^)')
I know this is a cop-out but I did put a lot of effort into these back in the day. Especially the last one. Please don't judge me. I've had a long day.
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Che Cazzo AKA Italiano For What The Fuck (The Cat O' Nine Tails Review)
So if you were perchance wondering why the hell I didn't talk more about The Cat O' Nine Tails is basically because I want to preserve it for it's own blog. This was perhaps the strangest film I picked up because it was the one that had the most bootleg feeling to it. The packaging was incredibly striking and completely insane. It is not the picture above since I got it on DVD though I don't have a picture of the one I had now because I lost the DVD case. But trust me, it was by far the cheapest looking one of them all. Which is strange since the director of the film is Dario Argento. I mean I didn't really know much about the guy but looking him up, it seemed like his record was extensive and impressive. If nothing else, he was involved in Once Upon A Time In The West, which is a Sergio Leone film and Leone's one of the big names in Italian cinema, so to have this movie come off as cheap might not reflect entirely his line of work.
The other weird thing is that this was the first time (or at least the first time in a while) that I got exposed to a obviously dubbed film. One in which the dubbing is somewhat off and uncharacteristic of the characters. Where there's a certain artificiality to the whole process. It's not bad per se, that sort of dubbing can be entertaining. There's a lot of kung fu movies out there where part of the fun is the shit dubbing (which reminds me...I gotta see more of those). This could very well produce some entertainment in that respect too, couldn't it? Well, after succumbing myself to the film a few times, I can definitely say it was a bizarre experience going through it, and that the dubbing served to enhance it. But what exactly is this movie about, what are it's contents? I'll tell you...
The film starts with a blind man and a little girl. The girl calls this man Cookie, which she says is because he's so sweet, but I believe that there was something lost in the translation. In any case, the two of them walk down a street and the old man senses trouble from a nearby car. Cookie then asks the little girl to inspect the man that is in the car that he just past. The old man seems to be a fan of puzzles as when he and the girl return home he solves a crossword. Then all of a sudden he hears a car and for a split second a man face down flashes on the screen. At first I thought it was stylistic, but the flashing doesn't occur again and there's a part afterwards that shows the man being killed in POV format as the assailant then breaks into a place with a screwdriver. I figure it was just the shitty bootleg editing. The movie would sometimes have the frame be cutting out some of the text or important detail which essentially caused me to miss a few things here and there. It was just irritating and confusing.
Anyways, this whole situation leads to a journalist named Carlo who is investigating a break-in at an medical complex called the Terzi Institute. It is there where the man was killed (at least I think he was, it's never made clear) and where the camera was leading to. Carlo is trying to find information and then bumps into Cookie. And then Carlo goes on his merry way to find out more about the situation. A bit random, but I'm sure there's some Chekov going to come into play. Carlo goes to talk to the people at the institute but finds bumpkus about what happened, and so he leaves leading to one of the doctors talking to his fiancee regarding about what really happened in the institute. The doctor arranges a meeting with someone at the train station and as he's standing by, he gets pushed on to the tracks and dies. Bummer.
Cookie gets read the news by his orphan girl who informs him also of the photo that was taken and then contacts Carlo who wrote the story (Chekov never fails). Apparently Cookie finds himself curious if the image (that he can't see) was cropped and after Carlo contacts the photographer, a good friend of his, it turns out that this hunch was in fact a reality, as the full photo reveals a hand that pushed the good doctor. Before the photographer can say any more and develop the full photo, he gets murdered by the shadowy figure and the evidence is destroyed. Carlo finds his pal dead and then commits himself further to solving the case, meeting with the doctors and their relatives, one being Anna, who although is the sauciest sausage, really doesn't do much for me.
The dubbing actually isn't terrible in how it syncs up to the mouth. It's more that the people who are doing the dubbing are clearly not voice actors and thus can't carry the proper nuances with the voice. With that said, they were coherent and did try to make an effort to capture the atmosphere or intensity that a scene needed. I was expecting more hilarity from it which unfortunately didn't happen, that is except for this crook that Carlo talks to that starts talking about watermelons. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was talking about watermelons, or the bizarre voice that was making it so amusing for me, but something told me that there was something lost in translation. For one, the character didn't look like a watermelon vendor and two, there was no watermelons being used or seen throughout the movie. Which is a shame because I would have liked to seen that come into play at some point.
The movie itself is a fair thriller. The editing is kind of edgy and sometimes feels out of place. I don't know if that's really how it was constructed or if it's because of the bootleg modifications but with that in mind, it was able to work. Each cut tended to have a good punch to it and the cinematography captures the gritty feel of a pulp-style story. Which makes sense for a giallo to do. As for the plot, while I didn't have any considerable issues with it (aside from the blind man having super senses), it wasn't anything too striking. The only really interesting part was the ending, in which they find the culprit who has kidnapped the orphan girl and then Cookie turns out to have a fucking cane sword and pretty much threatens the kidnapper to give him information on the girl. But the guy pretty much provokes Cookie by lying that he killed her and that's when shit gets real. Other than that and the watermelons, there wasn't anything else. It was pretty much a fever dream that came after watching some second-rate Hitchcockian film, where there was striking visuals and a few odd moments but nothing else. Perhaps in riffing it with oneself or with others you can find more to make fun of but otherwise, it's nothing to really write about. Heh...how ironic, eh?
Saturday, 19 December 2015
I'm Proud Of You
Hello, my child
How have you been doing lately
Are you doing your work
Are you working hard
What’s the matter, my child
Are you not feeling well
Why, you’re crying, you’re crying
Please do not cry
Oh, come here, my child
Tell me what’s wrong
You’re not doing so well
Does life seem to be rough
That you’re nothing in the world
That you’re a failure in all
Don’t say that, my child
You are no failure to me
I’m proud of you my child
For all that you’ve done so far
I know how hard you try
You’ve done your very best
Sure, you could have done better
Sure, others have done better
But you can’t fault yourself on that
Hindsight is cruel when you think like that
It stings the sights of the past
And shakes your path to the future
But in the now, you should be calm
You should look to your options
You are capable of surmounting this
I know you are, my child
You feel so tired, so alone, so scared
That all your efforts are in vain
That you have no lover to hold dear
And tell your worries away
But you still have loved ones, my child
You still have people that can help
Don’t feel so bad about this hurdle
You can still get over in time
Believe me when I say this
I’m proud of you, my child
I know how tough the world is
That it asks so much and takes so much
As the years go by and you mature as well
The demands grow more each hour that goes
I know you’ve had it rough before
And that now it just seems to be rougher
But don’t think all you’ve done is a waste
Just because you can’t get over this bump
You’ve gotten so far, my child
You can still go farther
If you want to rest right now
In my arms so warm
As if you were newborn again
Then you can do so, my child
And I’ll tell you good memories
Of when you were young
Of all that you’ve done so far
And all that can do
Good night my dear child
I’m so proud of you
How have you been doing lately
Are you doing your work
Are you working hard
What’s the matter, my child
Are you not feeling well
Why, you’re crying, you’re crying
Please do not cry
Oh, come here, my child
Tell me what’s wrong
You’re not doing so well
Does life seem to be rough
That you’re nothing in the world
That you’re a failure in all
Don’t say that, my child
You are no failure to me
I’m proud of you my child
For all that you’ve done so far
I know how hard you try
You’ve done your very best
Sure, you could have done better
Sure, others have done better
But you can’t fault yourself on that
Hindsight is cruel when you think like that
It stings the sights of the past
And shakes your path to the future
But in the now, you should be calm
You should look to your options
You are capable of surmounting this
I know you are, my child
You feel so tired, so alone, so scared
That all your efforts are in vain
That you have no lover to hold dear
And tell your worries away
But you still have loved ones, my child
You still have people that can help
Don’t feel so bad about this hurdle
You can still get over in time
Believe me when I say this
I’m proud of you, my child
I know how tough the world is
That it asks so much and takes so much
As the years go by and you mature as well
The demands grow more each hour that goes
I know you’ve had it rough before
And that now it just seems to be rougher
But don’t think all you’ve done is a waste
Just because you can’t get over this bump
You’ve gotten so far, my child
You can still go farther
If you want to rest right now
In my arms so warm
As if you were newborn again
Then you can do so, my child
And I’ll tell you good memories
Of when you were young
Of all that you’ve done so far
And all that can do
Good night my dear child
I’m so proud of you
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