Wednesday, 31 May 2017
Toronto, ON - Realizing that his existence is utterly devoid of any meaning, area man Samuel Davidson said Wednesday that just as he was about to go to bed he had felt an overwhelming wave of depressing thoughts amid a day that was in his own words, "pretty alright".
Samuel Davidson, a 24-year old bartender at a downtown nightclub, told reporters that he had enjoyed yesterday as he was hanging around with his friends, managed to get a couple of decent tips and even flirted with one of the patrons, but that right when he was about to go to sleep, he began to feel his stomach sink.
"I just felt like every human interaction I had was completely fake. Like it seemed that no one was really being honest with me, they just humored my existence," said Samuel, adding that he felt that his life was destined to go down an even worse path due to past decisions. "It just seems like things are built on a house of cards, like I'll be lucky if I live over 30."
Davidson remarked that what had started the chain of thoughts is when he looked at the phone number that the patron had given him. He felt that the number was fake as he had past experiences where false numbers were given to him. This, he remarked, made him feel as if he was just an annoyance, that he couldn't properly small-talk with anyone, let alone flirt with them. Davidson would later find himself questioning how honest his friends were with him, figuring that innocuous jokes aimed towards him were really just major flaws related towards his character. Lying in bed, his mind then came across the haunting realization that in the grander scheme of things, he was insignificant to the world around him and that there was no real reason to go on.
"What does it matter if I live another day? I'm just gonna end up dead anyways," Davidson stated as one of thoughts that were going through his head that night.
At press time, Davidson was elated when he found that his favorite show had made up for the otherwise dull and dreary day he had today.
Monday, 29 May 2017
Area Man Given The Ever-Expanding Well Of Information That Is The Internet Keeps Watching The Same 5 Videos On Youtube
Vancouver, BC - Sitting in his home office on Saturday with his work completed, area man Brad Silverman was reported on his computer, repeating a series of videos rather than exploring the bounty of knowledge that was accessible to him in an instant. Brad, 31, told sources that he was "planning to look up art tutorials" as he had told friends and family members he was interested in improving his hobby but then found himself "stuck watching some goofy cat compilation videos" from user FluffyKittenz33. "On the one hand, I understand that I'm not taking advantage of just how much I can discover from the technology that I have at my disposal, but at the same time, there's just something about watching videos I've seen before that is so relaxing. Plus those cats are really silly." At press time, a slightly tired Brad informed us that he decided to binge watch a random show on Netflix so that he could have something to small-talk about to with his co-workers on Monday.
Thursday, 25 May 2017
Poughkeepsie, NY - A new survey by the Marist Institute of Public Opinion found that 3 out of 4 Americans need something stronger to cope with the absolute shitfest that is going on. "Due to high levels of anxiety from recent events, many people are finding comfort from the bottle rather than any sort of recreational activity", said Marist data analyzer Sandra Crestwood. "In fact, many of the people who we asked already were carrying flasks with them." Among those polled, half of them have said that they've gone from whisky to absinthe, and 10% of them have gone from absinthe to Sunset Rum. "One person has straight up decided to take shots of pure ethanol to get through the day." She goes on to add that one of the most surprising factors is the amount of conservatives who feel their liquor isn't doing the trick. "Some of them are drinking out of regret and others are just trying to drown out all the noise. It's pretty much a coin-flip on which one it is for them." The survey also found that 80% of Americans would rather you shut the fuck about taking yoga to calm down about the political mess that's going on.