Mighty Switch Force 2 Review

GOT TO HOSE ME DOOOOOOOWN....

I’ve come a long way from where I stand when it came to the matter of cute female protagonists. I’m sure that’s not how you wanted this review to start, but I really want to point this out for my own sake. For the longest time I could remember, I was very anti-anime. Particularly with the moe style. The moe style oddly exemplified this sort of cute female character that I speak of. By god did I hate it. The wide-eyed expressions, the agonizing high-pitched voices and the grating sense that people enjoy it to such disgusting lengths. This really coincided with my hatred of unnecessary fanservice since it too shared the similar traits that moe did. And really, that hatred is what spawned me to believe that the general art style of anime, which consisted of exaggeration in an artistic and voice-acting sense, having the creator wave metaphorical keys above the audience as if that would entertain them and huge pupils, was merely just a cesspool that has harbored the two things that I despised the most about the medium. In turn, that shut me off from a great deal of games, particularly the ones that looked the most “kawaii desu ne~”. Then FLCL came by and snapped me out of my anger, although I still didn’t stand much of the cliches that were present, and I soon started to warm up to anime and the prospect of the cute female protagonist. Granted I didn’t go to buying anything moe, because I still didn’t like it but it was for other reasons.


Truth be told, even though I was okay with no longer hating the archetype of that character I didn’t find much incentive to carry it out to perhaps enjoying something that embodied that characteristic. I was more okay seeing it whenever it popped up anywhere, but I wasn’t eagerly seeking it out. I guess it wasn’t so much of the character that became relevant more so the actual content. Then came a game on the 3DS called Mighty Switch Force, which was created by Wayforward. It had Patricia Wagon, a cop who maybe in the graphical design didn’t look as adorable as she would in the art that would appear as you progressed though the game but certainly had a chirpy attitude accentuated in the dialogue and it also had some freaking good gameplay to boot. Hell, I might even go so far to say that it would be one of my top favorite games for being able to fully 180 my perception of the character archetype as well as having a creative gaming mechanic behind it. Truly, I appreciated what this game was capable of doing and I eagerly anticipated the continuation of her delightful journey. Lo and behold, a sequel came about and I downloaded it once I saw a fit opportunity to do so.

So, if you want to know the story of Mighty Switch Force 2, you have to play through the first game because I’m not giving out any spoilers as to the gripping and complex tale that is continued in this epic continuation! Actually I’m kidding. This series of games is one of those early video game industry deals where the concern isn’t so much trying to hamfist themes and existential revelations into its plot but rather making a simple, enjoyable experience. In this instance, you’re no longer a policewoman searching for the Hooligan Sisters and bringing them to justice but rather a firefighter whose saving damsels in distress whilst extinguishing fires. It’s a good thing they keep the main character a female otherwise we’d be having something making a hissy-fit in the distance. Plus, maybe it’s just me, but I think that having Patty Wagon saving dames is hilarious, especially when you listen to some of her dialogue.

Hosing the girls you’re saving is probably the most adorable thing ev-WHAT AM I SAYING?!

You start in a stage select screen and begin on a level or “incident’ where you save the gals and get in your robot to fly off to the next incident. The gameplay consists of two sole factors. The first is the platforming which consists of jumping around from place to place and shooting enemies with your fire hose. The second one, which is what makes this game unique is the switch function. When you press a button, Patty’s siren goes off and you switch around specific platforms. This mechanic is basically what ensures life or death in the game. You have to know when to press the button and which platforms will switch when you do this. Sometimes you have to do it really fast because you require a quick jump. This can also be helpful for getting rid of enemies since if they get caught in the way, they smash on the screen and make it looked cracked and then fade away. There are special blocks that work with the switch function such as blocks that can propel you to an area if you stand where they would be and then press the switch button to activate them. There’s also blocks that if you stand of them, they are unaffected by the switch and can be linked to other blocks. The addition to this game from its predecessor is that there are factors that require water. There’s fires you have to put out, enemies that burst when you fill them up with water, mud blocks that disintegrate when you spray water on them and grills that you can temporarily extinguish. I think the random fires on the stages are forcing the mechanic a bit, but since the hose makes for pushing those larger enemies away easier, I don’t mind that much. It’s very simple and very addicting so you don’t have to get so caught up in re-teaching it to yourself if you haven’t played in a while.

I don’t know whose expression is the more hilarious one…

The sound and art direction in this game is great. The effects are clear and crisp and fit to the overall feel of the game. The graphics fit very well into the burning situation that we’ve come across, particularly in the last lever where it almost feels like you’re in a Vietnam flashback. Patty’s voice sounds as happy as ever, in fact I think it’s happier than before. Mainly when you select them from your 3DS. It also emotes a bit more but I think that’s also do to the dialog. I’m not sure if that’s incredibly relevant in the appeal you’ll get from a more gameplay-centric game, but I enjoy it. The soundtrack is also phenomenal. They got Jake Kaufman to do the OST again and he rocked it again. The title music sounds much more bombastic and daring, the select music is much more bouncy and laid-back, the tally screen music is catchy as hell and the final level music is just magnificent! The credits is also pretty good, even if its cheesy as hell. Go ahead and download it, he has up and you can pay whatever you want. It’d be nice to give him a bit of money as a donation, he’s a very talented music-maker.

It’s worth noting that this game has only 16 levels. It would make it somewhat short, and I guess that’s true, but the game’s relatively cheap as far as games go so you do get your money’s worth. Plus, they’re not as easy as you’d think. Aside from the puzzles that you have to complete, you also have a time limit. You’re not really punished if you don’t meet the deadline, but if you’re like me and you don’t like to feel like a chump, you’ll try desperately to do it under said time limit. That takes a lot of time, to be honest. Not only are there times where you feel that you died by some idiotic error, but once you do manage to complete after countless trial and error, you still manage to do it over the time limit. I’d say that it’s near impossible, but I’ve managed to reach the limit after much repetition so it’s more a matter of determination, memorization and skill more so that cheapness. As hard as the game gets, you do get that feeling that if you died it wasn’t by a trick set in but rather your own fault. Sometimes it could be the panic of the moment, other times its a miscalculation. The game never seems to pull anything devious off if you focus on what you’re doing. The final boss fight was generally challenging and it did sort of fit to the game’s theme. Not like the other boss in the last game which seemed a bit unfitting to the idea. I was thinking it was gonna be some giant robot handled by the sisters, but the fight with that boss was fun so I can’t complain too much. The payoff from completing the game is basically the awesome credits song and being able to play as Patty in a more casual outfit a la Metroid, only a tad more dignified/reasonable. If you really want to challenge yourself, you can try getting all of the babies in each incident and kicking them to safety. Yes, you literally kick babies to safety. Oh, how quirky your video game logic can be Mighty Switch Force.

This is one of those rare times I’m okay with a game where you can kick babies

Mighty Switch Force 2 is a great sequel to a wonderful game. It built up from the last game and did enough to add to the original. The music and art style helped to make it stand out as more of its own thematic feel, which made the game feel more interesting. I would have liked a little more implementation of the firefighter mechanic to truly take it to a new level and experiment some more, but I can understand why it choose a more basic approach. Besides, I like the original’s gameplay and how it stuck to a basic mechanic. I don’t know how it would work if they try to make a third game revolving around the hospital to complete the public service trifecta, but if they do, I eagerly anticipate the antics that follow with Patty Wagon. I highly recommend the game to anyone that likes easy-to-get gameplay and addicting puzzles.

Foodfight! AKA My Life Has Gone Down The Drano

Author's Note: Just want to thank TheAnnotatXperiment for supplying the full film for me, as well as pointing out crucial points of the film. 

Let's talk about questionable decisions. We've all made one in our lives. Let's not try to deny it. Sometimes we were fine with it from the start, but then when we looked back on it we regretted what we did. Other times, we were simply desperate and an opportunity arose in a way that wasn't as favorable as we wanted it to be. Hell, we might have just been forced into it. Those sort of circumstances are very common with actors. It may be because of money, it may because of fine print in a contract, it may be because they desire more and more attention. At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it, some of the things stars act in are just atrocious beyond belief. Sometimes, you wonder how some big names out there even managed to last so long after you see them in terrible, terrible movies. But then they are other times that you understand why some people are where they are, why their careers have been cut like an infected limb. I'm pretty sure that in this case, Foodfight! would be considered that infected limb. I heard things about this movie, all of them saying just how terrible it was. What I gathered was it that it was an animated flick, it had something to do with food and a detective. My curiosity was peaked the more I looked into just the kind of people that were surrounded by this project and I became tempted to see how disastrous of a trainwreck it would be. Then I stopped caring because I wasn't that invested in the idea for one reason or another. (Un)fortunately, I stumbled across the Annotated version of this film and watched it a good amount of times to truly sink in what I was being presented too. To merely imagine that this was directed at children is frightening and/or hilarious considering that when I tried to see it through a more official means, I was warned that I had to be 18 or over to watch this film. Still, I have to share this mess to those who aren't aware of it, because I refuse to be the only one whose eyes have witnessed such a spectacle.

I'll give you the low-down on things you have to consider:

- Sexual references that make porn look subtle
- Terrible aversions of profanity (like saying fudge instead of the freakin' F word)
- Food-related puns
- Drink-related puns
- Grocery-related puns
- So many puns...
- Shoehorned references to better things
- Cameos (both the kind you're thinking of and the ones you're not)
- Blatant stereotypes
- I just can't stop mentioning how many fudging puns there are in this movie
- Incredibly thinly-veiled Nazis
- Bizarre acting choices

Take your kids into the other room and turn on Spongebob for them. Then if you really want, you can comprehend the true nature of Foodfight! with me.

The movie opens with a relatively decent title sequence. It's probably the nicest looking bit of animation in the entire film. I know that sounds discouraging, but trust me when I say that you'll find some good animation...just not in a conventional sense. We see a supermarket at closing time and then we see it light up into some sort of mini-city with an instrumental quasi-cover of I'm a Believer playing in the background. Most of the music in this movie is some sort of weird combination of cheap stock music and 80s-90s pop music that's been choked out of all of it's energy. Then we see some bat thing fly in front of us. Now, I'm one of those people that thinks bats look cute. Especially fruit bats, those little buggers are just adorable. The animated bat I saw though is not cute. It's not good-looking either. It's just wrong. Now, why get so up-in-arms about the design of an animated bat, you may ask. Well, it's because it's a clear example of how some of the animation is going to be. It's going to look atrocious and bizarre. You may think I'm contradicting myself here, but you will soon see what I mean.

The song drags on for god knows how long (it was actually 2 minutes, but when you see it, it feels like an eon),. You get a glimpse of the forced humor, which consists of overblown stereotypes, sound effects and bodily functions. Oh and all of a sudden you see Mr. Clean. Yeah. Then we get Charlie "I Wish I Couldn't Handle It" Sheen, in the form of a dog detective by the name of Dex, that spews puns like a Tim Vine sprinkler that shoots acid. He fights off a bunch of rat things on top of a hot-air balloon, then pops it to defeat the mastermind and finished off by falling in a way that would make early greenscreen look hyper realistic. He saves some bird-kitten things and then gets a bunch of random people (including a...I don't know what species of bird reporter) congratulating him for solving 500 consecutive cases. After saying something forgettable, he talks to his chipmunk-squirrel thing-of-a-friend, Dan, played by Wayne Brady (post-Improv-A-Ganza, pre-WLIIA renewal) about proposing. His character is by far one of the most annoying, poorly-animated creatures in this film, and it really hurts me to say that I found myself annoyed by a character played by Wayne Brady. We get some boring conversation with Dex and Dan, and then Dex's cat-girlfriend-thing, Sunshine (Hilary "Haven't Succumb To Lindsey Lohan Syndrome Yet" Duff) is introduced. More boring conversation, followed by a Brooklyn moose, some hijinks and crappy lovey-dovey banter happen as Dex is about to pop the question with a carrot ring, Dan crashes his plane and then we're back to Dex and Dan talking about Sunshine. Okay.

And that's why I don't do drugs, kids.

Aftewards what follows is the best minute of your life. We cut back to the grocery store at day when we see Mr. Clipboard (played by Christopher Lloyd) talking to the owner about Brand X. Lloyd's performance as Mr. Clipboard is a combination of Judge Doom's overt maliciousness and toony horror and Doc Brown's bizarre speech mannerisms. It's accentuated by the abhorrent walk-cycle which really shines through when his voice goes from "sort of okay" to "why are you talking this way?". By god, it is beautiful. The tears I've shed seeing that minute over and over could fill a million seas. Mr. Clipboard then crushes a bag of chips because he's the obvious villain and then the owner weeps over them as a pirate voice curses Brand X for what they've done to one bag of chips. So, just to recap the logic of this movie so far, crushed chips equal murdering a child. Maybe that's a bit extreme, but it's almost played as so, mainly with how the owner grieves over the chips. Don't worry, it'll get more outrageous as it goes along.

Out of nowhere, we cut to a white-suited Dex (symbolism for how he's a good guy or just some generic hero get-up?), who apparently is grieving over not being able to save Sunshine and quitting the supermarket detective agency. I know sudden changes occur in a movie, but the pacing in how we cut from one thing to the next is just abysmal. Dan tries to cheer him up, though I'm more tempted to punch a brick wall hearing him blabber on. Apparently, Dex owns a club now thanks to Dan's wonderful expositional skills and Dan flies off seeing that Dex is crying over spilt milk. As Dan flies around we hear him trying to pick up...I mean booty call some random girl on the street, saying lines that 70s pornos would be ashamed of. Dan crashes his plane again (because hurr durr, collateral damage is funny), lands on a tree, and makes more poorly-done cartoonish humor. We cut back to Dex who finds himself in a shady alley, confronted by a weasel voiced by Lawrence Kasanoff. He's worse than Dan because unlike Dan, I can't respect the actor behind the disgusting animated abomination. Kasanoff here pulled a Tommy Wiseua, being the director, producer, writer and an actor in this film, sucking at each field. Plus the design of the weasel looks more inappropriate and filthy than sneaky and filthy. The weasel gets run over by a train, but averts a satisfying death because of a deus ex "writer-director-producer wants more screentime" and we cut to the Copa-Banana, followed by some more jukebox rejects and random product placement cameos.

I don't know what's sadder. Him being here or in Two and a Half Men.

Dex drinks himself some Irish milk as some pirate who I don't care about gets chipfaced on potato juice and then we get the femme failtale, Lady X(XX). If you thought Jessica Rabbit and Holli Would weren't the least bit subtle about being sultry smooth-talking sex-bombs, well, you're right, they weren't. Jessica did have the exaggeration down in a manner that was meant to tribute/parody the archetype and Holli Would at least had the decency to be in a movie that declared itself to be adult. Lady X is just a Hooters neon-sign designed by DeviantArt. Dex then makes the worst Casablanca reference in the world, followed by Dan doing some more smooth talking to get into Lady X's grocery aisle. The pirate character finds the Lady suspicious while Dex is wondering what's up with her familiar scent. A foodfight ensues with all the icons of brands, which is dissapointingly dull. You'd think that with all the weirdness and stupidity of the world that the action sequences would at least be entertaining in some way, but it's not. Save for like that one bit where the lady spins around the whole place, but maybe that's my selective "lolrandum" kicking in. Thankfully, Dex tells them to split...oh I'm sorry, I mean "banana-split"...out of his club as Lady X decided to go with the perverted Dan because she digs chocolate. Get it? Because chocolate stands for black people and black people have big penises. Surprisingly, my description of the joke makes it feel less blatant than how they deliver it. Dan celebrates his chance at getting his popsicle licked as Dex goes back to sulking some more about no sunshine. I'm just glad they didn't cover Bill Withers's hit. I don't want to imagine his body spinning so out of control that it then throws us off the planet. Oh wait...he's still alive. Thank god.

Lady X comes back, wearing her not-even-remotely-naughty schoolgirl uniform and tries to get to Dex. Dex doesn't care and then they go to a crime scene where an icon has been removed, causing the product it represents to go bad. I don't really understand why that's the case, couldn't they just get a new icon to fill in the place? There's millions upon millions of those things running about in the film, just have them be the new spokeperson. Hell, couldn't the grocer just get new products instead of having to submit to Brand X? Couldn't the grocery even make their own products? Then again, we don't know how powerful the grocery is yet...there's actually a lot we really don't know. Gah, whatever...cut to the grocery store where Mr. Clipboard is prancing about as gracefully as an epileptic ballerina, filling in for the products that have been removed. I'd love to talk about Mr. Clipboard some more, but before I can finish my sentence, it cuts back to Dex who keeps moping about Sunshine. Dude, I get it, you don't have her anymore. Just get a bone or a chew-toy, it's just as effective. A town hall meeting takes place whereupon Lady X and the rest of the NaXis take over Eggrolland with a speech that couldn't even rouse the most gullible sheep in the world. The weasel then comes back again and gets "killed" by a Nazi that sounds like an impersonation of a stuck-up, egocentric, over-acting "master thespian". After all, that was completely necessary.

As you'd expect, Dex comes back into the picture, breaking into Lady X's lair. The two then proceed to have the dullest tango in the world. And considering the set-pieces that they try to throw into the sequence to make it amusing like knocking down a weapons rack, breaking some fish-tank-thing, releasing a bunch of crazy-bird things, and then breaking a glass-ice-sculpture-thing, that makes the lack of enjoyment so much more prevalent. Oh and don't forget puns, because that sequence was full of them. So then guess what? Lady X turns out to be evil and then traps Dex with Dan in a washing machine. Of course they escape, and find out the totally-not-obvious plot of Brand X and then try to escape, bumping into another annoying character whose nose is twice the schnoz of Jimmy Durante. He's too annoying to even talk about. It interrupts the lack of humor that resonates from the Three Signs of the Apocalypse and cuts to a disturbing execution of an icon done by Brand X. It goes back to the three of them because this movie sucks at transitions. Dex gets the idea to go into daytime and cross to the other side of the store where they can find a computer that'll inform them about the evil plan of Brand X. Of course, in the daytime it's risky to go out because humans might see them. Lord knows no one wants to see those icons coming at them, they have enough to worry about. Although to be fair, if you saw the humans in this world, you'd probably want to become a hermit for the rest of your life. Dex and Dan barely make it to the other side, defying an incredibly ugly Brand X minion and the laws of physics.

Level 6: You are the devil, and you're drinking rubbing alcohol out of desperation.

While they're on the other side (god I wish that meant something else), they find the bat I was talking about early, voiced by Larry Miller. I suspect this movie was to pay off a gambling debt of his. Despite the design, he's one of the most hilarious characters in the movie. Partly because he sounds like if Larry Miller is rambling rather than saying lines, partly because they make the character a bumbling fool and partly because they make him into a gay bat. Yeah, this movie really knows how to push boundaries. They reach the computer which is working on IBM (I don't think anyone even knows what they are anymore), and find that both Sunshine and some prune brand was recalled by Brand X. Among other brands. And if they know how powerful Dex is, why don't they just recall him? Also, this just has him spouting more angst than ever. It's making Shadow look dignified! They get trapped, but then escape. More Brand X propaganda occurs, then Dex ends up back at his club and just in time! Brand X was going to make the icons sing allegiance to them. Fear not, for another terribly forced Casablanca reference is here to save the day! Brand X isn't pleased with their defiance and vows to get them back. This gives Dex enough time to apparently set up a trap to catch Brand X off-guard and launch out a more literal food fight. Well, more like a food war.

Now, you think that this would at least be moderately fun, what with the fight starting with the icons pouring hot chocolate (with marshmellows) on Brand X, and later bombarding them with food that would probably have fed an entire African village. At least there would be something that would keep you somewhat invested in the action. But nope. It just feels like it drags on endlessly and the desperate attempts at comedy and cartoon violence are more annoyingly frequent than an ad on Youtube. The weasel comes back, big surprise, and I guess helps out, I don't know, and neither do I care. The General of Brand X then kills some penguin which Dex apparently had some relationship with (yeah, this movie doesn't like explaining anything at all) and then Dex gets payback by covering him in tape and then running him over with a tomato soup can. And then afterwards he says some really terrible one-liner because that's really all Dex does. Say puns, one liners and just how much he misses Sunshine. He's flatter than flapjacks, I tell ya. Speaking of things I don't care about, a whole bunch of icons die! And Big-Nose comes back to assault your ear-drums! And then Dan comes back to grace you with his terrible presence! It's like Christmas morning in Hell!

Going back to our main character, Dex decides to infiltrate the Brand X HQ, but Lady X gets the upper hand, taking her to her lair again where Sunshine is being held captive by a Brand X soldier! Oh no! As they're having the good-guy-bad-guy-banter, I find that this part is funny for all the wrong reasons. Sure, Dex says perhaps one of the worst lines in all of history, but it's so bad it turns into a magnificent swan that majestically flies away. Sure, the sequence plays out more like a gritty action movie, but it leads to one of the best deaths in the entire film. The only issue I have is that the way Dex kills the soldier is by spitting a raisin at  a gun in mid-air. Really, a raisin? This would disappoint me, but that would imply that there was something in this movie that gave me hope. Dex and Sunshine go back to boring googly eyes (in some cases, I mean that literally), but then realize that they have to escape the building before it collapses. As you'd imagine, Dan comes to rescue, finally pulling off the loop-de-loop and not crashing the plane for once. Come to think of it, where does he get a new plane? Shouldn't they just revoke his flying license already? Why am I asking these questions?

FE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF BAD ACTORS

Once they successfully land, the final boss emerges. That's right, Mr. Clipboard comes back, as if he were a drunk Godzilla. Wonderful, now they can all die and this movie can end! Or at the very least we get a decent fight. What's that? He gets defeated by dental floss? Well, now I'm disappointed. Thanks for that false hope, movie. It doesn't stop there though, because guess what? No...really...guess. It turns out Mr. Clipboard is Lady X in a human robot! And, she's also the icon of the prune brand that got recalled.

WHAT

Let me see if I get this clear. Brand X recalled the prune brand, thus leading her to change her appearance into Lady X, and then take over as the head of Brand X in the form of a human robot? First off, if the brand was recalled that would either mean that she killed the original head of Brand X and then replaced the head with the robot of Mr. Clipboard or that she recalled herself. Second, how the hell did she get that human robot, let alone sneak into Brazil to get herself surgery?! I mean, I've seen asspulls in movies before, and some I could take, but there was absolutely no indication that the world they lived in was incredibly high-tech. Sure, talking icons and certain grocery related warfare makes sense, as well as the grocery city, but the human robot went too far. What's next, you're gonna tell me Sunshine could actually kick some ass and smack Lady X back to her ugly self? Hell, I'd buy that, it's less absurd and insulting than the HUMAN ROBOT. Fuck this, the movie ends with Dex and Sunshine back together and Brand X destroyed, whoop-de-damn-do.

Foodfight! is that combination of a movie gone so wrong that feels so right and a movie that is so abhorrent, you will no longer feel anything and roam the earth as an empty husk of your former self. The animation is awful, the attempts at comedy are awful, the whole plot is awful. How they shoehorn cameos of different products makes commercials look subtle. Half the actors are either boring or annoying, and it's sad considering that there's actually some talented people behind this. At the same time, Larry Miller Bat, Mr. Clipboard and the two Brand X head soldiers (one played Jerry Stiller, oddly enough) made up for what the others lacked and bizarrely enough, some of the abysmal lines are actually quite funny. The humor is not a conventional one, as well as it shouldn't. It takes a good amount of strength to stand this movie. It's awful beyond belief, you have to find some other way to enjoy yourself, and I guarantee you'll find it. Either in the disjointed nature of the production, the random animation jerks or simply because you get a kick out of horrible dialogue, there's bound to be something in this that you'll at least get a kick out of.

LINK TO THE MOVIE

A Response To Joel Stein From A Lazy, Entitled Narcissist

I don't know why exactly I read TIME magazine. Perhaps it's because it's a way to make myself feel superior to the other teenagers who spend their time going to parties and other socializing events. After all, it is written by the intellectual elite, as evident by the articles talking about Hollywood films and petty celebrity gossip. Lately, an article had been catching the eye of many internet goers. I wasn't exactly sure why that was, mainly because there were a lot of edits of the cover circulating the Web. Finally, I found the actual magazine lying on the floor, covered in a boot print. It read, The Me Me Me Generation, written by some geezer named Joel Stein. He called us "millennials...lazy, entitled narcissists". It also said that we lived in our parents' basements. After reading the article...or should I say skimming through to the important bits, I felt the need to write my feelings about it. I wasn't really sure what to feel about it, pushing myself to write about it in a Starbucks cafe is enough work already. By the end, I'm sure you'll all agree with the brilliance that I pose in the following paragraphs. You have to, I deserve your attention!

First and foremost, Stein says that we are incredibly obsessed with ourselves. Now, I don't think that I'm that wrapped up with my own personal matters. I don't spend all of my time posting pictures of myself on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and speaking about my point of view on a popular matter in the hopes of getting an answer. I only do that most of the time. The rest of the time is dedicated to playing video games and procrastinating. That describes not only me but other millenials. We're busy in our own little bubbles, playing on our phones and can't be forced to deal with crazy adult things like a "mortgage" or "student loan debt". Well actually, we have to deal with the latter because we need to focus on how we can balance that as we look for a job in such a terrible economy. Oh, I'm sorry, why am I worrying about myself when I should be worrying about the problems that the economy is causing to everyone else? I'm just proving Joel right.

At the end it's all the technology's fault for this. All these cellphones and tablets have hooked us into doing nothing more than babble incoherently about ourselves and push off more urgent matters. It has perpetuated our sloth and has fed our ego. Why bother thinking about how to make the world a better place for our children when we can just wait ambitiously for a new message from Facebook? That requires creativity, and technology has robbed us from that ability. I didn't know what else to do with Legos other than make towers, how can you expect me to find new ways to deal with a problem. There's no other way we can use the vast amount of resources that are available to us with the touch of a button if it doesn't involve reality TV hijinks. Technology is a manipulative plague on this generation, and it's doing nothing but create more problems.

There's no denying that there's a lot of issues that we millenials are going to have to face. Climate change in the environment being caused by years of pollution, a crumbling economy that seems to only reward the rich and overpopulation. That sure is a lot that we have to deal with, shame there's no app to solve any of these things. Even though the big J.S says in the end that we may have a chance of fixing everything, it's so completely obvious that what he really means is that the human race has finally reached it's peak and the only way we're going is down. Into the ground. Let's face it, we don't know how to push for greener initiatives, policies that distribute the wealth more among each other and...well, I'm not even sure how to fix the third issue! Why can't the older people fix our problems? It's not like we made the mess! Okay, maybe we had a small part in it. A quarter of a part in it. Half of it. Alright, fine, we had everything to do with it. But what are we gonna do about it? Rebel? Hah, you must be crazy!

In the time of the millenials, we're as complacent as Owen Wilson's acting. Any time we try to rebel for a cause, we lack the proper energy to show our passion for our fight. You remember Occupy Wall Street? That failed not because the rich people wanted to distract the middle class from just how much they were ripping the common man off or because police were shutting down the protest. It's because we didn't put our foot down hard enough. How about Kony 2012? That was a disaster. Joseph Kony truly was a dangerous war criminal and we just let him run free, naked on the streets, like the maniac he is. There's too much apathy in our generation and Ol' Jo sees that. We'd much rather just ignorantly follow the whims of our parents rather than try to change anything. That's why Republicans have absolutely no problem winning the youth vote. With our line of thinking, it's no surprise that it'll take two more centuries until homosexuals get the rights they deserve, provided that we last that long. How can we hope to fix the larger issues when we can't even let people marry whoever they want? 

Stein's article has shown me the light. A small, dim light that goes farther away as I desperately try to reach it.   There's nothing left to hope for in this dull and dreary world where the only ones that possess the information necessarily for our survival are retiring and/or turning senile. Why should I even bother anymore? This whole generation is focused on the latest entertainment instead of just how terrible we're going to have in a few years. Once we do finally get in the positions of power that could help us to find way to combat the pressing issues of the world, we won't be able to manage our resources properly. We'll want to complain to someone else and make them do our job for us like it was a school project that we handed to our parents. Except our parents won't be there to handle the dangerous tools. They'll be having far too much trouble even trying to chew their own food. Oh god, why does it have to be this way?

Wait, what am I saying? I'm a millenial. I have inventive ideas. I've had intelligent conversations with others that had nothing to do with whatever filth is on the TV. Sure, I like to post pictures of myself and talk about what I've done on Twitter, but so do people that aren't in my generation. It's not because we're self-absorbed, we just live in a generation we're it's easier for information about ourselves to spread about the world. We're not entitled because we're lazy, it's because we're sick of how the system is nowadays. We all feel the need to ask for something from the government, whether it's the early 1900s or the early 2010s. It's called a democracy for a reason, because it's run by the people. We may not have success rebelling in the conventional ways, but we still want change. That's precisely why Obama got to where he is right now, because he promised just that. And guess what? It's not enough. Joel Stein has no true concept about how we truly are. He can wave his statistics about how "58% more college students scored higher on a narcissism scale in 2009 than in 1982" (which by the way, he probably pulled out of one of his very objective sources, The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeapordizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30)) and the like all around the place, but he doesn't know about our souls, our passions. I could do the same research that he did by staring at a TV screen for hours on end. As he so emptily shoehorned on to the cover to convince others that what he wrote wasn't just a rant, we shall "save [them] all".

Ah, forget it, I'm going to be completely frank with you. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. The older generations are well-known for looking down at the younger heirs of the planet and rolling their eyes at whatever popular trends we follow. They complain about how ill-prepared, naive and idiotic the teens of today are and anticipate that the clock for humanity will be ticking it's last seconds soon. We millenials are not the first to face this though, as past generations have faced the same age-related prejudice. They probably didn't like such a sweeping generalization and fought hard to defy them. Look what they're doing now, they're pushing those same complaints onto us. While we can look at it as cranky pessimism, our slump has become deeper with the matter of climate change. Perhaps those coots aren't so crazy to call us youngsters "dumb whippersnappers". What they forget (aside from their teeth) is that they're still in the seats of power. Anyone these days can spew their opinion and throw surveys and tests around claiming that it proves the path to come, whether they're young or old. But like the weathermen on the local news channel, they could get their prediction wrong. We all have to wait until we take hold of the reigns of government and business and see what we come up with. If we can't handle the problem, we'll blame in on our children. If everything goes well, we can rub it in the faces of the folks at the retirement homes. You just have to give us a bit of TIME.

Breaking The Bits - Points Of Interest (glue70)

It's not his current logo, but I still love it.

I owe a lot to glue70 when it comes to my current taste in music. I'll admit that when I went to a site called Breakbit, I merely did it because I was interested in mrSimon, who previously had made some videos that I had grown very accustom to. The other artists to me didn't really garner my attention since they all seemed sort of the same. Then, I come across a video on Breakbit's channel called Jaffa Cake Jam. Then and there, I had witnessed first-hand the wonders of glue70. Not only did I enjoy that song, but I proceeded to download all of his EPs and albums. That in turn introduced me to Glenn Miller (All of Ode To Glenn and Jaffa Cake Jam from Glue Sniffer) and Mr. Oizo (Inflated from Photo Real as well as this), who are both great artists. There's a lot I've learned from music from him and he really has that element to him that I've found in so many Breakbit artists. Along with Vaervaf, they are the two only artists ever that I have each and every of their albums and I absolutely enjoy a great deal of their work. I would have put glue70 on the trifecta of artists who have evolved from sample-heavy tunes to more original and flowing melodies like I did with Orangy and Vaervaf, but glue70 had a less glitchy and violent method. But without him, I wouldn't have taken more of those risks to try the other artists and enjoy their experimentation.

Hey, if putting a triangular prism on their album worked for Pink Floyd, it should work thricefold here.

A while back I mentioned that Worldwide Digitizing was my number 1 pick as the best album of 2012, at least on the Breakbit circuit. A lot of artists evolved but glue70 really took it to another level by straying away from his style on altering a song in a new rhythmic manner and instead used samples a means to spice up a newly created song. Hell, at some moments it was hard to tell if there was some sample used or if he simply went with scratch. It really was a magnificent work. Eagerly awaiting his newest work, I stumbled across a tune of amazing proportions on his Soundcloud. There and then I knew that something new was in the works. I was stoked and soon I found a video that showed that something new was in the works. And then the retro-looking promo came up and I dropped everything to get Points Of Interest. Unfortunately for me, Bandcamp was being the biggest bastard in the world. It had been for a while, right when I wanted to catch up on what I missed with DR777 (and a few others), so I was relatively screwed until a friend of mine decided to help me out with the issue. Sadly I only managed to get one of the albums off the list of the many that I wanted, but you can probably infer which one I got. Soon I was with the album in my iTunes and I was listening to each tune to take in what I had heard.

Generally, the songs have a throwback to older styles of electronic music, but it gets melded with a newer mentality. That is to say that glue70 has modernized the past. Oddly, he's done that quite a bit, most notably in Ode To Glenn. The difference is that this is a more aesthetic choice rather than it being a sample choice. The beats are more reminiscent of downtempo yet there's clear amount of experimentation with the movement of the songs and the sampling that is inserted. Simply put, think of it like if a robot went back in time and tried to emulate the music of the past. It gets the concepts, but it also puts its own modern spin. The promo is very fitting for the album as well as it does get you into that realm where everything sounds like it's coming out of a bizarre video tape that only records [adult swim bumps]. Everything sounds very relaxed and  surreal enough to make you think you're sitting there waiting for a new episode of Squidbillies.

The album starts off with Convey Your Thoughts, and everything seems all groovy and bouncy. Then it cuts to a voice (which I'm not sure is actually glue70) that is constantly distorted and hopes that you enjoy it. It's a pleasant introduction to the album, although it's a tad on the short side and can't really be shared so much with others, despite it's fantastic beat. Then we get to Escape which pretty much does that. The music transports you to a more mellow and mysterious funk that pretty much does what Convey Your Thoughts would have done it if was more instrumental. It gets things moving but sadly it fades in too soon. Now, that's not too problematic because it at least feels more complete and fleshed out, but it couldn't hurt if it was longer. Plastic Way Of Life then comes along and this is where you really feel the "[as] bumps video tape music" bit that I was talking about come by. Well, aside from it being a promotional song that had that style in it, there's the fade in and out of the samples that come through along with the vinyl crackle throughout the tune. The song hits certain points properly and it flows wonderfully because of such movement. It's typical for electronic songs to do that, but glue70 pulls it off in quite an interesting way. Then we have Casin, which is when we really get a full and rich tune to bop your body too. Everything that needed to be done from the fade in to the insertions of the voice coming to and fro were placed where they needed to be and in turn make it great. There it doesn't feel like it needs to be longer because it feels like everything that needed to take place took place.

Don't worry, this is relevant...but not in an insulting way.

Now we come to Highway Broken, which is quite honestly the most brilliant song I have ever heard glue70 make. It's like putting a Mentos into Diet Coke, it starts to bubble up and soon a blast of pure, sweet energy fires out. I can just feel the love, the passion and the sheer wonder that is exerted from each note. It is as precise as Casin and it creates such a great atmosphere of heavenly magic that would make me sound more like a fanboy than I already do. I do love this song, it was one of the primary reasons I wanted to get the song. Domestic Silence is next and while it can be jarring to go from one style to another so abruptly, but that doesn't mean it's not a good tune. It has a more idiosyncratic melody and movement, and it does a weird transition halfway through and it probably is one of those songs that depending on who you are, you will either love, hate or be indifferent to. Afterwards comes These Street Walkers which has a peculiar intro and choice of sample, but it moves much like a simple electronic song does. It eventually starts to get more energetic and then ends off in one of the coolest ways I've heard. Oh...wait...well, it almost did, but it still worked. We proceed with Car Freshener which I would say is the most experimental of the bunch. Now this one is another one that could either make it or break it for you, but I think one should appreciate it for doing something more unique and indescribable. I think in that respect it should at least get credit for trying something more alien, even if it isn't absolutely astonishing.

Otherside Avenue swooshes right in and has another message telling us to enjoy the song. Kind of odd, but in a way it's fitting. Sort of. I'll admit, I don't quite like the song that much, at least not in respect with all the other songs, but it still has a nice pace and movement to it. Quiet Mary Talking, on the other hand, I really dig with it's experimentation and movement. Even though I've said before in my selections that some of glue70's tunes may stray away others due to its style, I definitely think that this one really captures not only the proper elements to something different but can appeal to a more general listener. It should at least be a little more "easy" to listen to. Fraser Can't Play  goes back into the problems of some of the previous selections of being too short and maybe throwing some of the listeners off, though I don't think there really could be anything else you could do to make the length better. At least to me. By no means is it perfect with the length it has, but trying to add anything else to it or making it longer wouldn't work well with the flow. Dirt Degree changes that slightly as it serves as a middle ground for glue70's style to flourish whilst also trying to to bring things back to a more "mainstream" mood. The flow works and it grounds things back so that you can get back into the album.

With Step Into The Sunshine, it takes the album to a more hip-hop groove and it certainly flows well after Dirt Degree. You get back into it and you enjoy more of the mellow nature that most of the songs offer. Then comes At Kins which once again throws regular listeners off. It has a great movement and a delightfully abstract mood that while it can be great, also confuses the listener. With the right mindset, they should acknowledge that the more experimental bits are part of his style, but at the same time I sympathize with those who'd view the album's feel switching back and forth so much. Safe History does well after At Kins since it just takes the experimental at full value and takes it to a more hip-hop route. It ends shortly but like Fraser Can't Play, if it was any longer it wouldn't work. Finally, we have J'Adore Le Jus D'Orange which j'adore parce que c'est tres catchy. It's very catchy and simply and will get people back into it. It sums up all that the album is supposed to be and it does it so wonderfully.

That's one juicy tune, alright.

Points Of Interest delivered with what I was expecting. It's everything that I was expecting and more. It showed the growth and skill that glue70 exerts with his ever-changing style. It veered off into new territory and it also took some lessons from old. Whilst some of the songs were short and some of the experimentation could fend off newer listeners, there isn't enough abnormalities in the album to truly alienate the common music connoisseur. And with the right mindset and more familiarity to glue70's methods, one could really enjoy the album. The mood may not be consistent, but it's that mish-mash of different feelings that makes the songs by themselves all the better.

TOP 5 SONGS:

1. Highway Broken
2. Casin
3. J'Adore Le Jus D'Orange
4. Plastic Way Of Life
5. Quiet Mary Talking

GET HERE

An Interview With Imaperson

Imaperson. A username of such sheer simplicity for a pooper with such an intricate style. He has over 8000 subscribers and is known for his "hardcore" style of pooping, which relies on fast-paced editing, lots of ear-rape, collage clusters and rock and roll music. His most notable video is SUPER DUPER SUPER MEN, which showcases his running gag of Dog Fashion Disco's Silent Film "dun da dun" along with the neck-moving guy. Imaperson often uses ManWith10Toes, Looney Tunes cartoons, One Stormy Night, CD-I, and Aladdin (along with more) in his videos, and has also had part with the "Don't forget your umbrella" and "Aladdin raising his eyebrows quickly" running gags as well. Recently I trekked through the snow fields to the other side of the Great White North to get in touch with Mr. Imaperson.


First off, tell me a bit about yourself...

I am currently 21 years old and residing in Canada. I've been spending most of my life with music, acting, and writing. I recently graduated from a 2 year course in Film (on and off screen) and have been working towards pursuing it as a career lately.

What got you into YTP?

My brother and I had gotten into Angry Video Game Nerd at the time around 2007, and I remember I wanted to watch any video I could find from him. I searched "AVGN", kept scrolling through videos and eventually came across something I've never seen before. The video is called "YouTube Poop: AVGN SAVES THE WORLD"



I really enjoyed the concept of taking material and basically messing about with it, so it got me into making my own. I only intended on making a few and leaving it at that, as I wasn't too big on YTP to spend much time on it. As the next year arrived, I remember coming across a video that completely had me on the floor laughing. The video is called "ROBOTNIK EATS HIS OWN VAGINA"



I've never seen anything like it at the time and I found myself enjoying the more absurd, spastic style of poop. This is what got me into making YTP fully, as I was developing my own style from there throughout the years into what I am today! What also got me into YTP was just the collective creativeness of what the community had to offer. I definitely wanted to stick around for that.

Who would you say are your inspirations for making YTP?

MeiAIDS definitely played a big part in inspiring me. Others that vastly inspired me along the way were YTPSource (known as TheChutley now), Mr. Tennek, MasterGwonam, JakeSteel0121, SkyGuy16, deckman92, TimAJH, rapskallionxyz, passstrengthnull and SergeantBacon. I still enjoy them to this day! Even then, I have even more inspirations for making YTP from poopers like Avojaifnot, HaHaHound, Revfirst, Stuart K Reilly and just much more. Poopers who make me laugh or impress me with their videos are pretty much my inspiration. A good person as a whole helps a lot, too.

How do you usually go about making a YTP?

If I have an idea for a YTP, I base it off of a single source I've been enjoying a lot when I start off. As I move on with that source, I find another source that I feel has a good transistion/flow to it. That way, I can gather a lot of different sources together. As for all the music that goes into one, that all comes from "feeling" as well. It always depends on what is actually happening in a segment, like metal playing over a distorted spastic scene and so forth. The intention I have when I go about making a YTP is to make it like an experimental song of some sort, such as going through different emotions.

What things do you like seeing in a YTP and what don't you like to see?

The key thing I like to see in a YTP is fun. I like seeing how creative it can be, and getting a lot out of it that induces a need for multiple viewings. There's not much I don't like to see in a YTP because I find myself enjoying low-quality humor and horrible execution as much as I do the opposite of those. If there's anything I'm not too fond of, it's the sense of redundancy being used incorrectly like too much of a running gag and just unspired usage of sources that could have much more potential (this is why I'm embarassed to even watch through the second half of my own video, "SUPER DUPER SUPER MEN"!!!)

How do you view yourself in the YTP community?

I feel grateful to even be where I am in the YTP community. I've always been making YTPs for myself and not what everyone would like to see me do. With that, I get a lot of satisfaction of people even enjoying my videos, being inspired and creating their own works! I view myself as "accomplished" in the community in the sense that I'm still doing what I love to do, and more importantly, helping others along the way and having a grand time! I never thought I'd be one of the poopers who would end up  influencing others and even being called things like "incredible" and "legendary" and the like...let alone with doing something on the side compared to big projects like writing and music I have been working on. I'm very thankful for all of this, and it makes me happy.

Which YTP are you most proud of?



Even though I just released it, I am the most proud of "VIVIAN LISTENS TO RED WHILE FUCKSTONE LOSES HIS HEAD". That video I felt like I had the most fun and creativity with. It was also one of the only videos where I felt extremely exhilarated during its production, even in times of depression. I went through a lot of emotions while making this, and I think it shows. I even had a pretty serious and bizarre moment in this poop. The day when I was working on this one section with Colin and Mei - http://www.youtube.c...F8X6M#t=6m40sec - was also on the day my cousin passed away too young from cancer. So I had this weird uplifting/comedic feeling - can't take it too seriously with Colin missing half of his limbs flying around screaming "NICE PANTS!!!!" - that I had implemented during that moment. So with this whole video, I feel like I had the best sense of where I was and what I was doing with it. I'm proud with the final result.

Another video that comes very close to this is "The Ultimate Hoip Of Hoips: Fern's Christmas Party", which was also very fun to make the whole way through. Other YTPs of mine that I consider to be my favorites are "GASTON GETS CHUTLEY DISEASE", "Mei Goes For a Super Duper Wacky Horny Laddie Men Walk 2", "SUPER HORNY LADDIE 3", and "MIKEWITH10ERICS".

What YTPs do you consider your favorites?

"Orel Puppington Sings The No Children Song That Ends The Church" by avojaifnot
"JOSH TRANSCENDS MORTALITY" by PresidentOfJelybeans
"JAWSUS (THERE IS NO TIME)" by MasterGwonam
"Kuromi注意 No.-6031 SIMPLY Dr. Robotnik" by rapskallionxyz
"ALADIN BREAKS HIS SUPERFINGER" by deckman92
"SHANA EATS A BLACK DUCK" by CommanderGwonam
"THE KING GOES PERMANENTLY BLIND IN ONE EYE" by JakeSteel0121
"Mrs. Bucket sexually harasses anthropomorphic animals" by MeiAIDS
"ROBOTNIK CONTRACTS AN STD" by Domorato
"DRACULA HAS NO TIME FOR RAPE" by Homepike
"Frollo goes to Hell, Michigan" by Whelt
"PUT THE BOOK DOWN!!!!!!! PART 9: THE SPINOFF" by TheChutley
"U.R. Ruud" by SkyGuy16
"Dr. Wily is a Filthy Old Man" by TimAJH
"Zack Talks About His Scrotum" by Drasdic
"INSECT RABBIT TEACHES MR. JONES THE JOYS OF MICROWAVE COOKERY" by thechairman45
"Bison and the Gay Niggaloo" by RevSecond
"Shine On You Crazy Bill - Part I" - by AbsoluteBillion
"DREW AND JACOB IN THE WACO SIEGE" by Radock
"Drugs Bunny's Parental Guidance System" by Stuart K Reilly
"22@" by SergeantBacon
"Dave Mustaine's anal prolapse destroys 800 Wayne Bradys while Hitler moves the glow" by jamesdeth
"Simon's Final Confession: Simon Bakes A Goat Pie With A Hint Of Batman Grease" by DaKooperPooperALT
"Mike's Unanticipated Reality Check" by HaHaHound

What would you like to say to aspiring poopers?

Don't hold back, make sure to always have fun and don't stress out too much over it. Oh and don't be a jerk. That's important, too. Unless the opposite really does make you happy...

Before we end this, is there anything else you'd like to say?

Thank you for this wonderful interview! Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this! And thank you all of civilization that have gotten me inducted into the 1997 YTP Hall Of Fame in Moralton, Statesota.

His Tumblr

His Youtube Channel

The Pains Of Pandering

Advertisers these days are assholes. In a way, a handful of them were back in the days when consumerism began to rear its head. Multiple companies, from Coca Cola to Malboro outright lied to you about the benefits of their products. It was clear to them that they only cared about your money, and if they had to get in any way they can, they would. Nowadays, it's easier to detect marketing bullshit and flat out ignore these ads. Not only because they're absurd, idiotic or just plain deceiving, but because they're goddamn everywhere. You can't open your email without seeing at least 20 spam messages about some hocus-pocus magic pill or walk out into the street without seeing billboard upon billboard of products that probably don't need that advertising because they're already so damn huge. I'm surprised I don't see ads playing in my dreams, but you know they're going to find a way to pull that. But let's face it, we too have to advertise ourselves to the public so that we can become prominent in whatever industry we set out on. Some of us do it by the sheer skill they exert with their occupation, others know how to network and a few even just get lucky with some big hit. And in the midst of the cesspool of the usual ads, there is something that does catch your eye and makes you interested in its cause.

See, if one isn't obnoxiously cramming into your skull "BUY MY BOOK", but rather trying to ease you into checking out the book, one is more inclined to think that perhaps its worth their time. They could get it, they could not, they may like it, they may not, it's up to them what they should do. Most trailers simply just show the product and let you decide. It feels much more natural, to take that approach. Obviously, advertisers don't want a "maybe" from potential customers, they want a "Fuck yes!", and that's fine, to a certain extent. If the product itself can engage the audience enough to want to spend money on it, that's fine by me. If the product has something that I happen to enjoy, I'll go for it even more because it appeals to me. But if that product is forced to make me enjoy it, that's when we get to something called "pandering". Pandering is what   makes people look at the advertising industry and say "I hope those scumbags choke on the cocaine they snort out of their hundred dollar bills" because it not only shows their desperation for their money, but it also has taken advantage of all of us, whether we want to admit it or not.

There are certain parts of this world that are only fit for certain people. Chocolate may be loved by many, but only a few enjoy caviar. It's all dependent on your tastes. The problem that resides there is that the amount of people that like caviar aren't enough, so making a substantial profit may be tricky. One could try to raise the price of caviar, but who's to say that everyone's going to buy it at that outrageous price? So, the people who sell caviar can do two things. One, they could try to make caviar better or two, they could sell it in a container that looks like it was a chocolate bar. The latter, is a type of pandering that deceives the customer into liking it because of the way its presented to it, but in reality it has nothing to do with what you expected. Think of it as if you edited the Shining as if it was a family comedy.

Fun for the whole family!

This sort of advertising can result in two ways. The first one is that the people who were trying to sell a product didn't have an idea how to properly capture the essence of the product so they went with the closest thing that worked. When that happens, you're either delightfully surprised or very disappointed. The other one, which is more relevant to the example I gave above is that you target a different audience so that they are convinced that your product is equal or better to what they enjoy. The key difference of these two forms comes from how complex the product is. If it's a new revolutionary device that humans are not familiar with its main function, it's understandable why the ads mix you up. If it's just some silly children's toy and it's built up like it has the ability to cure cancer, that's when outrage is 100% justified.

Another instance of pandering comes from what's inside of the product. Let's suppose you bought a box of chocolates. You're happily enjoying the white chocolate, dark chocolate, the cherry filling, the one with the almonds, the one with caramel filling, and all is fine and dandy until you sink your teeth into the coconut coffee one. All of the treats looked great and the coconut coffee especially had an appealing look, but the awful mixture of flavors ruin the experience for you. That's sort of the feeling you get when this occurs. What happens is that at some moments, a film or a video game throws at you something that seems to come off as though it didn't belong. It could perhaps be referencing something modern to give the illusion that it's "relevant", it could have a character whose only purpose is to bring in an unfitting crowd or it could simply just give an incredibly subtle indication that you should buy another product by having it conveniently in front of the camera.

How the mighty have fallen...

I don't think I need to tell you that when this happens, it not only catches you off guard, it also ruins what fun you were having before. It breaks that feeling of being entranced by the action that is going on and instead takes you out of that experience. It treats you like a child, as it dangles your keys above your head so that you enjoy yourself. We don't want to be amused by the keys, we want to be amused by the ride, so give them to us so we can drive the car, damn it. Yet, in many instances, this form of pandering creeps in. Sometimes it's worked out in a way that's really subtle and doesn't linger too much on trying to draw you in, other times, it's weaved into the narrative in a way that one doesn't see it sticking out to much. Naturally this doesn't work so well with selling a soda or anything but for the previous two, it is possibly that it doesn't have to play off on its desperation.

The oldest example of pandering is the infamous "sex sells" slogan. The idea is that if you want to buy something, all you need is to rub it against a naked lady. Now, there's only thing that can truly get away with sex sells, and that's women's clothing. Everything else just plays on an animalistic instinct that could perhaps fool us to believing that we're buying something good. Some even go so far to imply that this is going to get you laid. Let me tell you something right now, chugging down beers and smelling of Axe does not get you anywhere near sexual intercourse. If anything, it scares them away. Now, I'm not too bugged by this pandering because I grew up in a country where everything literally got that treatment. It's a twisted way of being proud of our women, I suppose. That and exploiting sex for some other gain will continue to happen until time ends. Now, with that said, it's still a cheap way to get people to buy a product. In the instance of GoDaddy though, they do it in a way that plays so tongue in cheek, it becomes really grating. Not because "oh my, they're using attractive women, how sexist" but more because "oh my, they're using attractive women, how trite".

What is this, Revenge Of The Nerds 3?

As the years have gone by, "sex sells" has lost some of its powers and a lot of different trends have been capitalized to exploit the more gullible masses. Ever since the internet came to fruition, there have been pop ups galore, annoying your computer surfing experience. Ads have been plastered at every side of sites, Twitter and Facebook have been used by companies to spew out their pitches here and there and have even been the vehicle that creates all those giveaways and contests that they enjoy to do. Hell, if you want to make a few cents from your Youtube videos, Google monetization does just that by placing ads over your videos that will undoubtedly be ignored if someone has Adblock Plus. In the midst of all these ads, what really has elevated the tediousness of pandering is the internet culture itself.

Whatever thing that has gotten popular on the net has eventually been shoved down our throats excessively by others who wish to use that for their own gains. Memes are by far the worst of this as they have weaved themselves into either something that didn't need the memetic treatment or been attached to already annoying commercials and made them worse. It's not just the big dogs though, whatever video series that has been deemed really popular on the internet by advertising agents have filled stores with their merchandise for some incomprehensible reason other than the blatant one of trying to make money out of something that's huge. What's so backwards about this is that the sort of content that gets such an excessive amount of marketing usually ends up being universally loathed by a lot of people. It's almost surprising why this happens, yet it's immensely chilling to believe that these people are at the fore-front of the future of entertainment and it's ungodly insulting that there are people out there falling for it.

This is what's wrong with the world.

Look, we all want to get out image out there, that's part of who we are. It's not necessarily bad to ask others to perhaps spread your message about and it doesn't hurt that you try to do something to attract an audience.  It's only when you start to desperately cling on people and beg them to give them every single last cent that the problem arises. You make a fool out of yourself and your product. It doesn't really have to do with how much of your product you can sell though. It simply makes it less of a great experience, it perpetuates a semblance of ignorance that the public has. I'm not going to say that I've detached myself from this and that I blame all of you for this garbage that you have dumped out to the world, because part of that mess is mine. What I simply want to say is that we shouldn't fall for it, we should be calling it out. If we're going to promote something, we should try not to use those tactics and just show our product for what it is. I've seen a great deal of people that do what I've said, and I'm sure it'll carry on. Just like the ones who create this crap.

Blacula AKA Did That Nigga Just Bite Me?

Remember the seventies? I certainly don't but I know a lot of people my age who act like they think they do.  What with Dark Side Of The Moon coming out in '73, tons of great movies such as Star Wars and The Godfather and the rise of the hippie (which has now mutated into this annoying creature called a hipster) and use of marijuana being key elements of the era. The thing is that these folk tend to avoid three things in particular. The Vietnam War, disco and blaxploitation. To them, 'Nam's only interesting if you're looking at movies that are based on the horrors it brought out and disco's deader than Nixon's reputation in '74. Blaxploitation, on the other hand, is a trickier beast. It's hard to say if there is an interest or not in this genre, but if it did, it would be somewhat difficult to assemble a collection from scratch. See, it's not as readily available to us young cats as it used to be. That's not to say you can't find the popular entries, but those that are more unknown tend to be hidden underneath a bargain bin at a local video store. Notice that I said "local video store", not a fancy-smancy Blockbuster down the street. Either way, video stores are a dying breed, especially the ones run by more independent folk. I happened to stumble across the last one in my vicinity which was having a clear out sale. Looking for some interesting entertainment, I came across Blacula, an entry that is neither oblivious to the public nor widely recognized. I knew that this would be decent entertainment because it sounded ridiculous, so I took it (along with a few other DVDs) and went my merry way.

Now, one must remember that if they're going to watch a blaxploitation film, they need to be in a particular mindset to truly enjoy it. These films may contain:

- Funk and soul music

- Cheesy as hell effects and choreography

- Use of the N-word

- Erotic undertones

- Erotic overtones

- Jive talk

- Ignorant white men being taken down and/or white people becoming doormats

So if you honkeys can't handle this groove, then y'all better split now. Let's get to the down and dirty. 

"Hmm, I wonder what the blood of a negro tastes like..."

The movie starts with an African prince named Mamuwalde (played by the Z-list version of Billy D. Williams, Williams H. Marshall) and his wife Luva (played by the saucy Vonetta McGee) speaking to the vampire king himself, Count Dracula. Mamuwalde is speaking to the Count about the slave trade and how he wants him to maybe cut back on suppressing the lives of his people. You tend to notice that Mamuwalde's one sophisticated smooth-talking negro. Every word he says sounds so resonant and relaxed, you can't help but be hypnotized by what he has to say. Being that the Count is not only a blood sucking pale-faced monster and a vampire, he's not going to follow through with Mamuwalde's proposal and decides to bite him on the neck. Because that's really the only thing vampires can do, make idle chit-chat and suck your blood. He curses Mamuwalde that he will rest in one of his tombs and carry on with the Count's legacy, as the eponymous Blacula when released. As for his wife? Well she gets to cry around his locked coffin for the rest of her life until she withers away. Delightful. 

Afterwards we get some intriguing animated opening credits and we cut to 1972, where two gay interior decorators decide to take Dracula's estate and coincidentally take Blacula's coffin with them to a L.A warehouse. They talk about how gay they are because that's all gay people did in the 70s and then they open the coffin one of them wants to use as a bed for their horror themed house. I guess black is the new pink. As expected Mamuwalde (who we will now deem Blacula) attacks the two and retreats back in his coffin because what else is he gonna do after biting two interior decorators? We focus on the black interior decorator whose friends have come to see the body. His friends, Tina Williams (another role that Vonetta had in this film), her sister Michelle (oddly enough played a civil rights activist named Denise Nicholas) and Michelle's boyfriend Dr. Gordon Thomas (played by a recurring blaxploitation actor Thalmus Rasulala) are unaware that they're being spied on by Blacula. Dr. Gordon (no, not that one) stays in the room and continues to pester the curator of the tomb about the details concerning the corpse of his friend. So much so, the curator calls Gordon a "rude nigger" in a way that mirrored Geoffrey sans the dry wit. Blacula believes that Tina is a reincarnation of his wife Luva, and since he hasn't gotten his groove on since the 18th century, he decided to get in on that by following her. 

As you'd imagine, following a woman in the dark isn't really the best way to get her to think you're a nice guy so naturally she dashes like mad to her apartment dropping her purse. Of course, Blacula manages to get it and gives it to her, after biting a cab driver that ran him over and off the trail. To assure that he can win her over, he uses his normal name when introducing himself to her. With his charismatic demeanor, Tina invites Blacula over to meet up with her friends at a club. Again, you begin to notice the sheer wonder of Williams' acting as Blacula. As he talks to Tina and her friends in the club, you can just tell he's calculating carefully what he wants to say to draw her in. Luckily for Blacula, he managed to do just that. Tina just seems to be mesmerized by what he has to say, and it certainly helps that he looks like a boss nigger. As they're all having a good time and drinking champagne, a girl starts to take pictures of them. This doesn't please ol' Vlad Blacul too much because he doesn't show up on the pictures. So he tells the lady that it would be appreciated if she did not develop those pictures so that panic does not ensue amongst th-I'm just kidding, he sucks her blood and crumples one of the developed pictures so that no one will know about his secret. 

And they say that he's the monster...

Now, this is actually quite clever of the movie of having Blacula not necessarily be a monster for the sake of "Ooh, I'm a vampire!" but rather eliminating people that will obstruct his path of rekindling the love that he has for his wife. It shows that he's not letting the inner nature of maliciousness that comes with being a vampire get the better of him. If anything, he's just using his newfound abilities as a tool to get to his primary human goal of finding passion once again. It is a bit peculiar that Tina just accepts that he's a vampire once he reveals that to her, but they did have sex, so I suppose Mamuwalde's ancient experience in the love-making makes up for it.

While all of this ooey-gooey romance is happening, Dr. Gordon is investigating the death of the interior decorators using all the information he can get from the LAPD. He notices that there have been more cases of the "teeth marks inside of the neck" and "empty blood vessels" occurring around the area and notices that there's a connection. He keeps trying to investigate, trying to come to a more reasonable conclusion than "Hey, I think we're being attacked by vampires". But after realizing that his friend's corpse has disappeared, it doesn't seem that crazy after. To be sure though, he convinces his girlfriend to assist him in digging up the other interior decorator's grave. Sure enough, once they open the coffin, Cracker McGee is a vampire. Dr. Gordon shoves a stake into his heart and then realizes that he's right on the level of batshit insane these cases have been. To prove to his boss that vampires are a threat, he thaws out the corpse of the cab driver and then blasts the sun on her before either of them get attacked. His boss realizes that it's best  to guard the city at night, but Gordon needs to find who's the source of all this mayhem. Sure enough, he finds out that it's Mamuwalde. I'm not sure what gave him that idea...was it the negative that he found in the house of the lady that was attacked that showed him not being there or Mamuwalde wearing a goddamn cape? 

I think the make-up artist thought this was Night Of The Living Niggas

Dr. Gordon confronts Tina about this and gives Michelle a cross so that she can protect herself and Tina from when Blacula returns. Gordon, his boss and some cops try to go to the warehouse to confront Blacula, but surprise! Turns out that he not only moved his coffin somewhere else but also trapped them with a whole bunch of vampires. On the one hand, this is quite cruel of Blacula to just have them killed instead of finding a more diplomatic manner of making sure that he can keep his love and his life. On the other hand, Dr. Gordon just seems to kill vampires willy-nilly so it's a respectable precaution. Blacula manages to fly away and take Tina into his new lair, where eventually Dr. Gordon and the Cracker Cop Clan follow suit. Blacula disposes of each of the cops one by one as he tries to get to his coffin. Unfortunately for him, one of the cops shoots Tina instead of him, which prompts him to turn her into a vampire. This makes sense in the idea that when you become a vampire, you lose touch with your humanity, which in turn means that he sees it as difficult to maintain his relationship with her if she no longer has a grasp of the love that they have. Dr. Gordon gets to his coffin and prepares to jab a nice wooden stick into some Blacula heart. Only that's not Blacula...that's Vampire Tina. 

I'll kill a bunch of cops, but I sure as hell ain't fucking a corpse.

Heartbroken by the loss of his love, Blacula decides that the only thing he can do is drag himself up to the sunlight to kill himself, possibly reuniting himself with her in the afterlife. It ends with his rotting maggot-infested corpse, which is fitting for the horror aspect, but not so much to the actual substance of the film. I will say that it looked pretty damn real. 

Many critics seem to hate on this film because it's not scary and basically slaps the black culture into a well-known tale, but I don't think one should honestly expect chills from a film called Blacula. It may have its insertions of funk and soul, but its much less about the blaxploitation bit than it is about Mamuwalde getting back the old flame that he lost. I will admit that the relationship wasn't fleshed out enough, but I can't expect such grandure from a film with what appears to be a shoestring budget. Plus it made a considerable attempt to create an interesting human-vampire dynamic, showing that as long as a human can control themselves from the urges that comes with being a vampire, they can be very nice. At the very least, one should enjoy the 70s tint that gives way to awkward fighting and bizarre humor along with the performance of Williams Marshall. Quite honestly, it's a damn shame that he hasn't been on-screen more, aside from being the King of Cartoons. The world can never have enough of the pontificating baritone badass, and he fit that title perfectly. So I say check it out, it's certainly one of the easier blaxploitation films to find.