How Did Kevin James Get A Career?

Often there are questions in life that can be answered by embarking on a journey. It could be one of one's self, it could be a road trip where you encounter alien women or it could just be surfing the net constantly until the answer pops up by pressing "I'm feeling lucky" on Google. This is sort of all three, because this a question that has challenged many a mind. Sure, many have had difficulty figuring out the meaning of our existence, but their search of spirituality being able to provide meaning whilst also analyzing the known universes' wonders is somewhat pleasant, even if one comes to a grim conclusion. Mainly because it doesn't involve your mind feeling as though it's about to explode with the mere thought of realizing such an idea is plausible let alone delving deeper to understand it. I've worked with many good friends who once they've pondered this question, they've gone without sleep, without food and on the extreme cases, without water, wishing that something would come out and give them a sign that they would be graced with an answer, or at the very least a clue. Some have gone off the deep end, killing others and themselves, turning into twitching trainwrecks and cutting themselves to write messages of help with their own blood so that their adamant obsession with such a riddle will be cured. Nevertheless, I feel like I can take on this task because I have what remains of my fallen comrades and I am desensitized enough to take up such a mind-shattering perplexfest-of-a-question as this one. It won't be easy, but I don't have much of a choice on the matter, because my mind will not cease to dawn on the idea. So I sat down, looked at myself on the reflection of the computer and said:

How did Kevin James get a career?

First, before you go any further, don't repeat the phrase too much. This has been known to lead to spontaneous combustion, so make sure you're near any body of water if you're going to think about it. Even if you don't know who this man is, it's dangerous to say it. Still, I believe that I should inform you about who he is and show you his career growth to showcase why it would be asinine for one to think that he'd have one. Kevin James or as he's originally known as, Kevin George Knipfing, is a New York loveable lummox of a man who started his "career" as a comedian. A stand up comedian no less. Now, as is typical of stand up comedians, you're supposed to stand up in front of an audience and tell jokes to them in the hopes that you hear a wave of laughter coming towards you. That's the sign you're doing something right in the business. With Kevin James, you see some of his act and you think to yourself, "Hmm...I don't really see why I should be laughing". He's not downright grating mind you, at least not yet. As a comedian, he's more like a wannabe Chris Farley, both in the style and appearance, but even that's being a bit generous. Take a look at one of his stand up bits. You see he has a sense of energy resonating with him, but his content seems to be mixed in direction. The delivery feels unfocused and as if he's trying to be someone else. Not only that, but if you listen to the audience, they sound like they're humoring him more than genuinely laughing at his jokes.

If he continued to try in the field and actually grew to be more resonant in the comedy industry, maybe it would have sufficed that he would have what he has now. But he moreso seemed to jump into trying to do something on TV. That something being cameo in a few episodes Everybody Loves Raymond as Kevin and as a "character" named Doug Heffernan. Here we start to see why asking yourself "how did Kevin James get a career" is volatile. See, in the history of sitcoms, there's one that people often consider to be the pinnacle of below-mediocrity, and that is Everybody Loves Raymond. Why? Is it because it uses the age-old "idiot/ugly/fat guy gets smoking hot girl" trope? Is it because the characters are generally unlikeable? Perhaps it's because the only seemingly entertaining actor in the show is sidelined to being a bootlicking ball of envy? Well aside from all of them it's because the show lacks anything funny at all and abused the canned laughter tactic terribly much before the times of Big Bang Theory. It also seemed to kill the careers of the main cast, including the lead character, who decided to sell his soul to Blue Sky Studios so that his mediocrity could be entirely immortalized in ice. To imagine that Kevin James would be in such a production and still be a name that we'd know today is much more than a mere miracle. It's a conspiracy. For you see, instead of his career going nowhere and him perhaps trying to improve his standup to become credibly entertaining, he got a vague spin-off to that show called The King Of Queens. And by vague spinoff I mean that Doug Heffernan was in two episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and he's apparently the lead in The King Of Queens.

Maybe I'm being harsh here, after all, when one makes the leap from stand up to sitcom, perhaps they do better. Jerry Seinfeld is great in standup, but in his eponymous show, he made comedy gold. Kevin James could possibly offer the same, can't he? I mean, he has Jerry Stiller, one of the actors in the Seinfeld show in his cast. Well, I'm sorry to report that The King Of Queens was nothing more than another "fat-husband-hot-wife" sitcom. I don't use this term to mean that all sitcoms that have a fat husband and an attractive wife turn out to be nothing more than lazy, terrible writing. I wouldn't even go as far to say that most of them do so. As much as it pains me to admit this, According To Jim had its fair share of amusing moments. It's just that there's a select amount of them (oddly enough one of them being According To Jim) that exemplify the terrible aspects of this set-up, and King Of Queens shows it in its most boring and lackluster of ways. Kevin James plays as a manchild for most of the time, and the wife is probably dealing with him more as a child than an actual partner, which makes the feeling of romance very contrived and incredibly wrong. That sliver of the possible comedic appeal he could have had as a stand up is thrown away at the very sight of this show. If his career died after the show, that would have been fine. Yes, he still had a semblance of a career, but it's short lived. There's many short fuse careers in entertainment. Unfortunately, he got into films.

His early career in films is nothing to really glimmer at, but once I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry hit the scene, there was something glaringly wrong about his rising star. In that, it rose alongside Adam Sandler at the time when he started to throw away any semblance of talent he harbored in exchange for killing brain cells and aspiring talents. Kevin James not only became worse with his comedy, but he also stooped down to the levels on Sandler (who by the way, basically ruined the original script of the film with his brand of "humor", so much to the point that one of the writers almost wanted to Alan Smithee his way out of the production). Much to the chagrin of audiences with sensible tastes in entertainment, this actually topped #1 in the box office and got some contrarian critics to call it a modern classic and hold it up to Brokeback Mountain. Yes, a movie with more gay stereotypes than an episode of Will and Grace and a yellowface Rob Schneider is being considered on par with Brokeback Mountain. What's worse is that Kevin James continued to live in films, with the so-so You Don't Mess With The Zohan, the "all-hope-is-lost" Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the homicide of comedy known as Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2, and his magnum opus of Zookeeper, where more of the comedy came out of people doing loops of the trailer instead of the film actually being funny.

So, if we were to look at this sanely, we'd see that his quality throughout his career has been abysmal and it should have been detached a long, long time ago. Yet it still lives, as if some sort of dark magic is keeping it alive. The question that I pose still remains unanswered, how did he get a career? If one considered how his career has maintained itself in the latter years (aka, right now), we'd be privy to say that Sandler is the one that has supported his trainwreck. It's not an absurd conclusion to come up with as Sandler has made maintaining on the entertainment scene by doing nothing but pure garbage seem like a fine art and most of James's "successes" in film do have Sandler sewn in through one means over the other. I don't think that's really what occurring here, because if that's the case, I'd have to believe that all the other imbeciles that were in Grown Ups are under the debt of Sandler as well, and they seem to be fairing fine. Besides, why would Sandler focus his energy on trying to ruin something that was never substantial enough to be ruined? With Dana Carvey, there was a funny beating heart inside of him that he could rip out and swallow. Kevin James has a beating heart, but it doesn't glow with the shine of comedy that is ripe for the massacring. It's more trying desperately to continue working even though it just wants to stop so that it no longer has to deal with the jokes that harbor in his talentless vessel of a body. In which case, what could be the cause of his success?

I recently searched both Kevin and James on Google as I was told to by one of my friends in the nuthouse. As I looked around, I found both names belonged to saints. Not only that, but both these saints were big with the concept of asceticism. Basically this meant that they wouldn't have any sexual activity or drink alcohol as they embark on a quest to find inner peace through spirituality. St. Kevin seemed to be the more radical version of this as in a folk song, he's claimed to have drowned a woman that was coming on to him, although that could just be the Irish trying to make another shanty for a night out at the pub. He was also known to live as a hermit, living amongst nature, sometimes sleeping on rocks and having little to eat, slowly gaining followers. St. James, on the other hand, was called James The Just and was one of the people that saw the risen Christ and was important to the Christians in Jerusalem. At first, this meant absolutely nothing to me, when I associated it to Kevin James. Both of these saints were devout in their religion (as any saint should be), and they have standards. Kevin James is nothing short of the antithesis of this. As I looked, I couldn't find anything else that could connect. I tried to tie Kevin Kline with James James, but there was no way that Otto West in A Fish Called Wanda could have anything to do with the man who wrote the Welsh national anthem. The only one that made the most sense was this connection, and even then, I found myself doubting the correlation.

Weeks went by where the only thing I'd eat was cardboard and invisible steak dinners served by my rabbit friend named Harvey, and I felt that soon I would be joining my friends in the looney bin. It was only until I slept for the first time in 20 days that it came to me in a dream. All I saw was that good-for-nothing hack praying in front of an Indian priest with a ying yang necklace. It was there that it came to me like a ton of bricks, which is pretty much how I felt after I woke up from that dream. As I took two full containers worth of Advil, I saw why Kevin James got lucky and won the lottery of being able to make money with no effort at all and getting a smoking gal to boot. Asceticism relies that a person undergoes certain conditions to achieve enlightenment and be whole in mind, body and soul. This is related to Buddhism and Hinduism. Both of these religions believe in the idea of karma; you do good, you receive good in return. It's very evident that if both did enough to be considered saints, they would obtain some sort of reward in return. Considering that both of these saints had to go through hardships, with Kevin having to overly-minimize his lifestyle and restrain from any sexual desire, and James having to be in charge of the Christians and the council in Jerusalem of all places, it would be expected that their reward should be ultimate enlightenment and standing alongside God to fully soak in the answer to all of the mysteries in the universe. In Hinduism though, the belief is that when one dies, they are reincarnated, and connecting itself with karma, if they do good, they are reincarnated as something better. So therefore their lifestyle that is much less demanding and their rewards are given to them more easily. What more could exemplify that as none other than Kevin James?!

If we truly think about it, his comedy has always been light-hearted and he's always had that sensibility of innocence and purity to him, much like the saints have. Sure, he participates in crass comedies and he's incredibly childish, but in truth, no matter how hate-filled someone makes a hyperbole directed to Kevin James, his bad movies have really never harmed anyone. In its own way, Zookeeper shows the principles of St. Kevin as he befriends the animals that are around him. St. Kevin is also redeemed for his celibacy and fasting by being able to become a glutton and getting it on with Steffiana de la Cruz enough to have three kids. Where does St. James come in to the mix? Well, if you watch Barnyard, you'll find that it shows the story of a cow (voiced by Kevin James, no doubt) eventually accepting responsibility and leading the animals in a barn after his father died. Not only does this sound like it might be Animal Farm for kids mixed with a bit of The Lion King, but it alludes to how St. James eventually became a bishop and gained prominence in the Christian religion. Only in St. James's case, it didn't involve coyotes or actors feeling ashamed after being in such a production. Where as St. James had to work hard to lead people that followed his religion properly and make critical decisions that would either serve him well or doom him forever, Kevin James doesn't have to worry about the implications of his choices as they seem to not have any setbacks to them at all. So the next time you find yourself cursing the name of Kevin James and finding yourself frustrated that he has a career, remember...in his past lives, he was a saint. And they need a reward for all the troubles they've had to endure.

Five Ways Bioshock And Animal Crossing New Leaf Are Related

WARNING: THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS. I REPEAT, THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS.

Ah, video games. It sure is a fun pass-time for us isn't it? We do enjoy entering into another universe and partaking in different tasks to receive some sort of satisfaction or enjoyment out of the things that we are designed to do. From jumping up platforms to rotating pieces into place to shooting countless hordes of baddies, it's all a ton of fun that we simply enjoy soaking up. Recently I have come across two games that have been taking up a great amount of my attention. Well, it's actually three, but I didn't know I was going to get Scribblenauts Unlimited as a gift. The two that I'm referring to are the ones in the title, no duh. As I kept playing each game, bouncing from surviving in a dystopian underwater city torn apart by rampant objectivism to  running around a colorful, bouncy town bustling with talking animals and currency in the form of bells, I started to find myself connected the two together to certain aspects. It could be that perhaps these two games share something similar to them that we are not aware of. Now, I know what you're thinking, how can a shooter with old-timey music be anything at all like a life simulator where you can get pieces of furniture in the form of a leaf? Well, goddamn it, I found a few things that might prove my insane concept to be semi-plausible. Sure, I could be pulling out some stuff out of my ass, but if some guy can say that all the Pixar films are taking place in the same time period (save for Brave), then I can do something of this caliber as well.

5. The economy is entirely up to your tampering

We have this thing called an economy. Supposedly it's keeping everything in order in terms of our finances. Odd, considering most economies nowadays are basically going down the shitter, but in the world of video games we can escape the harsh reality of finding it hard to purchase more video games by clinging on to the few we got and playing them ad nauseum. Another brilliant thing that games allow us to do is not worry about the true complexity that goes with tampering or managing an economy. Geopolitics, graphs, currency exchanges? Forget that, every pixelated wonderland that we go to keeps everything running like the world in the 20s, with no depression to break the good times away. Well...at least not an economical depression. Thankfully, in these games you have the ability to mend the economy to your favor, so that you can reap more of the benefits. And by god, it's sure is nice to be able to be more control of your finances. Video games almost manage to give that beautiful illusion that you're the 1% sometimes. Ahhhh...oh right the list!

So how do both of them carry out the way to swindle yourself from some economic benefits? Well, for starters, both of them involve you being able to tamper with prices that are set in the particular universe. In Bioshock, there's a straight-forward way to do this, which involves simply hacking into machines and having them reduce the price for you. This is the only and also problematic way to get lower prices because if you don't hack the machine properly, you are hurt. Animal Crossing New Leaf, on the other hand, allows you to barter with certain citizens to have them reduce the price for you. There's also being able to enact an ordinance that allows your town to be more wealthy which increases the prices of what people sell you, but also gives you more money when you sell something to them. Not to mention that you can put something for sale as cheap or as expensive as you want in the Re-Tail store. A trade system is also evident in both universes since you will have to do fetch quests for people to obtain new items that can help you. Sometimes they fair out well, other times...not so much. But with the bad, you can always turn it around and make it a good. Whether it's selling something you don't want in ACNL or robbing bodies in Bioshock. The differences in both games is that Bioshock has a more personal "every-man-for-himself" economic strategy which means that you have to look out for number one and use your own cunning to find ways to make the best of the economic climate while ACNL has you more in control of the economy and more outlets to reap its benefits.

4. You have to scavenge to survive and be cautious of what's around you. 

Whilst there is a semblance of an economy verging in both worlds, there is no doubt that you need to do a hell of a lot of work to enjoy it properly. I mean, sure, I made it sound like a cake walk, and in some senses it is. But that's when you get with the handling of the money and doing financial tasks. When it comes to finding ways to obtain the money or something that can help you get money, you have to be very cautious. Every corner that you see, you have to analyze it carefully. You have to clean it out of anything that it could possess, for anything that you find could eventually aid you. If you're not careful, you could get something that could mildly annoy you or mean complete disaster. There's a whole slew of objects out there that are destined to ruin your day and make it difficult for you to enjoy spending your currency as frivolously as a teenage girl in an American Apparel store. So you have to keep one eye on your wallet, and another on your ass.

Perhaps for some of you it seems simple to associate Bioshock as following this practice. After all, you rob desks, safes, boxes, corpses of people you kill, corpses of people you haven't killed but probably would have if it you were confronted with them alive and many more for money, health, potions, tools and so on and so forth. Sometimes you just find them lying about and take them before anyone else can. You find random booze that you drink and depending on how careful you are, this booze could be useful to you or it would have been a waste of your functional liver. Then if you have enough money from all the dead bodies you've robbed, you can go to a vending machine and either buy some more helpful items or hack the machine and then buy those helpful items. Also, as you walk along, you have to be careful of security cameras or other scavengers or otherwise you'll be broken like a chocolate bar being shared by two really hungry survivors. How in the hell does this compare to a place where you're the freakin' mayor?

Well, the thing is that in ACNL, you can't just wire all of the town's bell revenue and put it in your pockets. No, like everyone else in the world, you gotta do something to get the money. Not to mention, you'll be owing a lot of debts to a raccoon by the name of Tom Nook. So, unless you want to suffer a horrible fate or every person in middle class America, you gotta go out there and get yourself some bells. You first have to get/buy tools such as a net, a shovel, a fishing rod and a watering can. Once you have that, you catch bugs and fish, dig up fossils, break rocks with your shovel or hit the rock, hoping that money will spontaneously come out of it and shake trees to get fruit and other things out of them. Once you do all that, you then sell them to the Re-Tail shop for some bells. Then you have to go pay Tom Nook by an ATM sort of device and once that's done, it's off to another debt for a bigger house. Oh and if you think that's just simply all fine and dandy, you have to consider the risk of pitfall seeds, scorpions, spiders and maybe the odd mosquito. That and then townsfolk will want to sell you shit you may not want to buy and you have to make public works projects to make them happy, which sucks out some of your bells if you feel like helping the cause...which you should to get others to help as well. Luckily, you can go to an island and capture some more special bugs and fish, but you have to pay a guy named Kapp'n a few hundred bells to go there. And even then , you can only take 40 items back to your town to sell them.

So basically what I'm saying here is that in each game you have objects of desire that aid you in your journey by either means of protection or economy, there are things that you can use but aren't the greatest of benefits, you have threats that you must evade and/or overcome and that you might have to do meticulous tasks in order to reap a greater benefit. Perhaps in ACNL, you don't get as drastic of a blow as in Bioshock since you can save your bells at that ATM device I was talking about earlier and hardly ever get your bells stolen unless you buy something from Redd. To be fair though, even in the Bioshock you have Vita-Chambers that bring you back to life, and depending on how you're playing it, it doesn't deal that much of a critical blow to you. Plus, both do share the biggest threat of them all...bees!

3. The cuter denizens are the most helpful

There's a saying that goes "Beware the cute ones". I don't know who said it but they basically meant that if you see someone that looks innocent and charming, you should be wary of their motives or actions. For it could simply be a facade that is trying to snag you into something much more sinister and catastrophic. In this case, that's not really what's going on. The people that look at you and instantly give you diabetes are the ones that have the insulin to help you back to your normal self. So, you always want to be on the look-out for them in case you're in trouble.

In this scenario, it's more plain to see that ACNL is the one that shines through. You have a great deal of citizens in your town that have very adowable features on them. They can give you items for free or provide fetch-quests that gladfully reward you. If you talk to them, you get more information about the world that you live in and you can use those tips to help you out further on your aimless quest. Then there's of course Isabelle...who the fanbase as declared as basically hands down, the cutest friggin' thing you've ever seen. By that logic, I guess she really does a lot for you. You'd be pretty much right, for she is the one that tells you how satisfied your citizens are, allows you to change the town flag and the town tune, and even helps you create public works projects. Truly, she is the one that you can count on to have the greatest of times in the realms of the game. What mirrors that in Bioshock? Why the Little Sisters of course!

While not as plentiful as the citizens of ACNL, the Little Sisters are the precious little bundles of joy that you will need to survive in the hell sinkhole known as Rapture. This time, there's more effort that goes into obtaining the reward than simply just talking to someone and finding something that they want (although to be fair, some of your citizens to ask for OUTRAGEOUS things). See, if you want your Little Sister, you'll have to take down the Big Daddies that protect them. They ain't no walk in the park, as their attacks pack quite the punch. You have to be damn sure you have everything that you need in order to take them down. Then once you have the Little Sister you have the choice of harvesting them or rescuing them. Much like in Animal Crossing, if you do the dignified act, you get rewarded for it. You get a good amount of Adam that you can spend on power ups and if you rescue three in a row, you receive a present. At the same time, you can also be a heartless fiend and harvest them, taking away a lot of Adam that you can use for more power ups. The only thing you obtain from cruelty in ACNL is moderate amusement at the reactions of your citizens.

2. You have an illusion of choice

If there's one thing that we like to have...or if you want to be edgy, believe that we have, it's the idea of free choice. We can decide whether or not we want to spend our money and if we want to spend our money, we can look at an array of options and pick the one that suits our needs. It's something that some of us may not appreciate once our options are robbed from us and we're forced to walk a narrow line. In games, for the general sense, you're basically walking that line, hoping that you finally reach the end and get what you want. Occasionally there are games where you have the compass pointing in any direction that you desire, although they usually have moments where they throw your ass down and demand you follow with what they say. Then there are the games that make it seem like you have a compass, but the more you play the game, the more you see how broken your compass is, and how it only points into one direction.

Each title has their own way of chaining you to a wall as you venture into the toy-box of the possibilities. Bioshock, for instance, forces you to follow a man by the name of Atlas. He's your guide and asks if you would kindly help him reunite him with your family. Once you find that the ruler of Rapture, Andrew Ryan, has killed his family, he then makes you go to Ryan and forces you to kill him. It's made very evident that you're bound to Atlas's whims when Ryan gives you the infamous "A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys" speech and you end up doing what Atlas wants you to do in the first place. Sure, you have the choice of harming or saving the Little Sisters; yes, you can find a dozen different ways to get rid of scavengers or get by security systems and no doubt you can combine your different abilities to best suit your situation, but in the end, you are subject to the voice of Atlas. Anything he says, you go with it. You can try to ignore his pleas, but you don't progress anywhere. You just stay where you are, like a sitting goose.

ACNL has the same sort of premise, only it presents it in a more bizarre manner. You are forced into your position as a mayor. When you arrive into town, you're magically given this authority position. At first, it sounds fun. Being in a town where you're magically declared the ruler? What's not to love! You still have the ability to do whatever you want. If you want to dig holes around the place, go fishing, talk to people, walk around aimlessly, you have the right to do so. With that said, the debt that has been thrown on your head by the Nooks still looms and you can't avoid not paying it. Same goes for your responsibilities as mayor. You will have to find things for other people, you will have to initiate public works projects. If you want the admiration and the cool features, you will have to be the servant to this town. Distract yourself all you want, you can't avoid that you are bound to the town, like the devil is to the souls of sinners.

1. The world is under an oppressive ruler

Yes, you heard me right. This is the most critical aspect that shows that these two games are related in their own bizarre way. In both of these realities, the person who is in charge of everything is nothing short of a fiend. They hold all power and are able to do anything it takes to assert their dominance. Few voices oppose them, and the ones that do can be silenced in mere seconds. There's not really much else I can say about what this entails as it's already self-explanatory, but trust me, it gets a whole lot more convoluted the more we look into the dictators that are in control of the world.

First, who are the kings in both worlds? In Bioshock, it's Andrew Ryan, the man they call "the Bloody King of Rapture" with a dream of creating Eden underwater. In ACNL, it's you. You might think that perhaps you're not as evil as you think, but if you really think about it, you accept the role of mayor, despite knowing how bizarre the opportunity is. You don't do the respectable decision and refuse the offer or tell them to hold the election, you roll with the idea. How do each of these rulers enforce their power to the citizens? With Ryan, he sends minions after you, rigs areas to assure your demise and constantly threatens you the more and more you try to foil him. You, on the other hand, enact ordinances that the town must follow once the proper paperwork are done, hit people with nets, tell Isabelle about any "problematic citizens" to which she promptly deals with, trap them with holes that you dig around them and force them to buy your belongings at the Re-Tail shop. Some might do them all and even more, while others would do two of things above, either way, you do something to show that you're in charge. Both also are supposed to be ruling the land for as long as your lives give for, but the chilling reality is that the one who really rules the world isn't you...it's someone much more powerful.

See, in the worlds of Rapture and (insert your town name here), there lives someone in the shadows who truly asserts the power and uses you. Frank Fontaine (aka Atlas) is the man that truly controls Rapture. In the tapes that you find, it's made clear to most citizens that the one who really is in charge of the city isn't Ryan, but Fontaine, who has manipulated a great deal of people to follow him and challenge Ryan to becoming the ruler. All along he uses you with the trigger phrase of "would you kindly", causing you to do everything he says, which is why you can't do much else other than follow with what he has to say. Once you kill Ryan off, Fontaine reveals himself and admits that he has been using you for his longest con ever. How about ACNL? Why, it's Tom Nook! While much more benevolent than Fontaine, Nook still has you knee deep in debt and has more money than you since he's in the real estate business and has his children helping him by having them open up a shop that you have to go into if you want to receive certain critical items. Even though people don't rebel against you and hardly even consider Tom to be the real owner of the town, you can see it in their eyes that they aren't truly afraid of you, but rather the raccoon that could kick them out at any given moment due to mortgages.

So there you have it! Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm gonna see if there's some hilariously bizarre fanfiction that has this crossover and possibly do a dramatic reading of it for my own amusement.

Or Well! - When National Security Meets Totalitarianism

It seems that the world that we live in is entering a phase of complete and utter fear. Not only from terrorists, outside enemy forces, nature, semi-threatening co-workers, and various phobias to speak of, but from ourselves. Mainly, when I say ourselves, I mean the government. It's bizarre to think that we are worried of an establishment that is supposed to be working for our benefit, but we've often seen that their words are hiding a greater agenda. An agenda that could be fueled by some other selfish need. At times they merely cover up what lies behind closed doors, other times they don't even follow with what they originally say. So it's hard to tell when what they do is in our best interest or is in their best interest. With the issue of security on the minds of many, especially in times when attacks in national soil can come without much warning, it's safe to say that we've tried as much as we could to stay secure. The government swore to us that it would keep the bad guys at bay and it made promises to increase security. We were fine with that back then because we were scared. It came with its hassles like not being able to bring certain things on a plane and getting awkward patdowns, but we (somewhat) adjusted to it. Now, with the reveal of PRISM having been in effect for a while, we realize that perhaps we might have surrendered too much in the heat of passion. Except the problem with that is that we didn't willingly give the government the power. The government asserted the power on it's own. That, in turn, has caused a whole slew of problems.

PRISM, as we know, has been monitoring our Skype calls, our chat logs, our emails...basically anything that we usually use the internet for. And there's a facility somewhere that harvests all this information. Surprisingly enough, it's still smaller the the amount of porn there is in the world. Joking aside, they have a grand pile of our information without our permission and they're sifting through it, bit by bit, until they find something incriminating. Even though that's quite the stack to sift through, it's still a bit troubling that there might be something in there that relates to us that the government can be aware about. Perhaps we're not one with anything illegal to hide and there is nothing that truly incriminates us, but at the same time there's the issue of them manipulating the information in a manner that it plays against us. After all, context is important. Matters are more confusing when you consider that the way they target people might be arbitrary considering that the accuracy rate for foreignness is 51%. We have been given information to suggest that the common person isn't going to completely under review of terrorism and that no one really is getting targeted, but the power that can be exerted by the program can still be abused one way or the other. It becomes more subjective if one would put their faith in the government or not. The main issue though, is still again, that they put forth this initiative without us knowing about it.

See, if we were aware of what happened, this wouldn't have the media making a huge scandal over the whistleblower and the policy itself. If anything, that scandal would have happened when people were debating on whether or not to push forward the proposal. We'd be accepting the fact that the government would be spying on us then because we let it pass. It still might be unsettling for others, but at least the whole public is aware of it. The mere concept that this was pushed without us having knowledge of it creates more alarm than what the PRISM program has to offer, but it doesn't make matters better that what the program's directive is to invade our private lives for the "sake of security". What they have done with PRISM shows that the government is not concerned with the voice of the people. If they're not focused on the people that they're supposed to represent, then they're more invested in their own needs, and most of the time a government desires power and control. Governments who make it their goal to desire power and control are pretty much around everywhere, even in the more benevolent and structured of societies, but when it's the primary goal and they're blatantly projecting this out to the world, that's when the problem ensues, because it's when it shows that the leaders of the nation are following a more barbaric and tyrannical method of governing. To put it shortly, this is the first step towards totalitarianism.

It's not that we weren't warned by others that the government was really part of something much more despicable and twisted. Various conspiracy theorists have claimed that we were being watched in secret and that there is an illusion of "freedom" in our government. The reveal of PRISM has proven both of these concepts right, and it's sort of painful to see that what we once scoffed as a ludicrous paranoia has turned into a frightening reality. The reality is that when it comes to certain conspiracies, there is a valid point of that the government has been keeping certain matters in secrecy and not informing us properly about the events. While I am certainly not a "truther", I can't deny that it is peculiar that the US government would disclose information about an event that was supposed to be an outside attack. You'd think that the details would be a bit more available. At the same time, one can argue that it's disclosed because there's still more that needed to be clarified until a full, 99.99% factual report on the incident was made. It is also a matter of national security, and those matters should be kept private. Ironic considering that currently national security is taking away the privacy that we have. Despite the counter-argument that I presented above, knowing the secrecy that comes with national tragedies with the addition of PRISM, it is reasonable to see that perhaps the fear that the government is not playing fair with the people and that we are nearly closer to becoming a neon-sign of totalitarianism. One could say that perhaps the idea that this Orwellian nightmare is inconceivable in the modern day, but perhaps if we look elsewhere we could see that it is not that far-fetched.

There are many places where certain freedoms have been dismantled and a vast majority of people have been oppressed by powerful forces, but none exemplify the concept of complete control that the government of North Korea. North Korea has held an iron middle finger up to the world when Kim Il-Sung came into power with the policy of juche, that made the nation more reliant on promoting its own strength. His shaping of the nation glorified him to god-hood, and he has successfully altered history and writing so that it follows his favor. The only other people that revel in his glory are his children, and they have pushed the policy of juche further by emphasizing the military more and creating nuclear weapons. The nation is a police state, and there is no slandering of the great leader. A great of the people there are unaware of words that could register in their mind to insult the leader, which could either be due to the success of the propaganda created or the fear that there are government agents always nearby, assuring that they follow through with the sole agenda of the nation. North Korea has shown that the ideas of totalitarianism can take root and lead to incredibly devastating effects, so is it possible that the US may follow under this trap? On the one hand, more and more seems to point that the US is capable of enforcing total control and has exerted governmental power in a more unruly manner. But what about the size of the nation? North Korea succeeds in creating this haven for the Kims because it is a proper size for such a control to take effect. The US is larger than North Korea, therefore perhaps such a control would be near impossible. That is counteracted by the mere existence of PRISM though, so perhaps it could happen. The real importance isn't whether or not it is feasible, but rather if it will happen.

When PRISM came out, many reactions were triggered, but the only ones that matter for this to happen are those that are in seats of power such as the Senate. Some were displeased with PRISM, others thought it was a proper proposal and some even claimed that further protocol must be made to improve national security. Obama seemed to welcome the debate that would come from the reveal of PRISM, although concerning some of his commentary (particularly the one about not having 100% security and 100% privacy but we'll get to that later), it seems that he's more on the defense of PRISM, which makes sense if he wasn't going to remove the proposal that was initiated in Bush's term. It's also interesting to note that he seems to be describing the program as if it isn't as intrusive as we would think it to be, but when the program relies on looking on personal information, it's hard to take that truly into consideration. Plus, we come again to the point that this was kept secret from a great deal of people. So, it's very difficult to say what the likelihood of totalitarianism in the US taking effect is when you have representatives that are divided on the issue and a leader that is not removing the program that is causing alarm and describing said program in semi-contradictory ways, but is welcoming conversation based around it. Ultimately, if it were to happen, there would have to be a domino effect that leads to more freedoms being stripped away from the people, which then would bring up the question of whether or not people would revolt. That really depends on what is being taken away from them and who you're referring to. After all, we all choose our own battles. If it's going to happen any time soon, I very much doubt it. People are still able to have free debate and revolution is happening at the snap of injustice.

Although, I do want to talk about this issue of security vs privacy because it is a critical component of this issue. In the modern world there have been advancements. And with these advancements we are capable to be more secure as well as more vulnerable. One step forward, one step back. With the countless outlets that have been created for the sake of social interaction, those fields have provided us to be more open about ourselves and to edit our perception so that we can hide what really lies behind the screen. We have used devices less as a means to transport something to one another but as our own haven that harbors a great deal of our personal information and we don't want anyone to take advantage of this information. With that said, that personal information coming from other sources could have been essential to stopping something terrible from happening. Think about it, if your store is robbed, you'll have security cameras installed so that you will be more secure when another robbery happens. It will keep away others from robbing the store if they are aware that cameras are watching them. At the same time, the owner has the ability to do something illegal and destroy any footage that could incriminate them. Ultimately, it comes down to circumstances. If you haven't been robbed, you worry more about privacy than security because you want to keep your actions personal. If you have been robbed, you worry about security more than privacy because it's security that ensures that you can have privacy. As with all good things, balance is important, and with an issue so complex as this one, that might be problematic.

Even with the likelihood of totalitarianism taking hold in the near future in a country like the US being relatively low, the issue of PRISM is still a very important one. It's also conflicting because we desire both the security that we are protected in case of an attack and the ability to leave certain bits of information private. Should the government be given the right to look at our information, if that's how they have located/captured greater threats? Can we confide that they can look at our information and not use it against us, whether it be distortion of the facts, selling it to advertisers or using it for other terrible purposes? These questions are very much relevant and should still be the subject of conversation. Such a proposal does bring upon its own benefits to national security, but it also provides a great sacrifice and detriment to the rights that we try to uphold. Ultimately the problem of PRISM isn't so much in what it offers but in how it was introduced. Whether or not it will do any good is irrelevant when the program that we speak of wasn't something that is being currently discussed in Senate on some bill but rather an initiative that was secretly put into place. It could have been an interesting discussion that could have taken place when Obama took office, because then, it would at least show that he is willing to bring light to an issue that is of great importance to the public and have them decide in good conscious whether or not to use the program and how to use it. Instead, we had to have someone leak this information publicly and have everyone go on a panic-frenzy because of what occurred. That, to me, is what insults me more than the policy in question, because it shows that they don't care about your voice and are willing to violate the law for their own favor. It may not fully be 1984 as some may imagine it to be, but it doesn't make it any less despicable.

SOURCES:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/us-intelligence-mining-data-from-nine-us-internet-companies-in-broad-secret-program/2013/06/06/3a0c0da8-cebf-11e2-8845-d970ccb04497_story_3.html
http://globalnews.ca/news/626132/us-releases-more-details-of-controversial-prism-spying-program/
http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2013-06/obama-said-all-congress-was-briefed-prism-nonsense
http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/06/07/prism-barack-obama-says-u-s-got-balance-right-as-furore-grows-over-spy-programs/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/06/lindsey-graham-nsa_n_3396223.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/06/nsa-phone-records-verizon-court-order

Mighty Switch Force 2 Review

GOT TO HOSE ME DOOOOOOOWN....

I’ve come a long way from where I stand when it came to the matter of cute female protagonists. I’m sure that’s not how you wanted this review to start, but I really want to point this out for my own sake. For the longest time I could remember, I was very anti-anime. Particularly with the moe style. The moe style oddly exemplified this sort of cute female character that I speak of. By god did I hate it. The wide-eyed expressions, the agonizing high-pitched voices and the grating sense that people enjoy it to such disgusting lengths. This really coincided with my hatred of unnecessary fanservice since it too shared the similar traits that moe did. And really, that hatred is what spawned me to believe that the general art style of anime, which consisted of exaggeration in an artistic and voice-acting sense, having the creator wave metaphorical keys above the audience as if that would entertain them and huge pupils, was merely just a cesspool that has harbored the two things that I despised the most about the medium. In turn, that shut me off from a great deal of games, particularly the ones that looked the most “kawaii desu ne~”. Then FLCL came by and snapped me out of my anger, although I still didn’t stand much of the cliches that were present, and I soon started to warm up to anime and the prospect of the cute female protagonist. Granted I didn’t go to buying anything moe, because I still didn’t like it but it was for other reasons.


Truth be told, even though I was okay with no longer hating the archetype of that character I didn’t find much incentive to carry it out to perhaps enjoying something that embodied that characteristic. I was more okay seeing it whenever it popped up anywhere, but I wasn’t eagerly seeking it out. I guess it wasn’t so much of the character that became relevant more so the actual content. Then came a game on the 3DS called Mighty Switch Force, which was created by Wayforward. It had Patricia Wagon, a cop who maybe in the graphical design didn’t look as adorable as she would in the art that would appear as you progressed though the game but certainly had a chirpy attitude accentuated in the dialogue and it also had some freaking good gameplay to boot. Hell, I might even go so far to say that it would be one of my top favorite games for being able to fully 180 my perception of the character archetype as well as having a creative gaming mechanic behind it. Truly, I appreciated what this game was capable of doing and I eagerly anticipated the continuation of her delightful journey. Lo and behold, a sequel came about and I downloaded it once I saw a fit opportunity to do so.

So, if you want to know the story of Mighty Switch Force 2, you have to play through the first game because I’m not giving out any spoilers as to the gripping and complex tale that is continued in this epic continuation! Actually I’m kidding. This series of games is one of those early video game industry deals where the concern isn’t so much trying to hamfist themes and existential revelations into its plot but rather making a simple, enjoyable experience. In this instance, you’re no longer a policewoman searching for the Hooligan Sisters and bringing them to justice but rather a firefighter whose saving damsels in distress whilst extinguishing fires. It’s a good thing they keep the main character a female otherwise we’d be having something making a hissy-fit in the distance. Plus, maybe it’s just me, but I think that having Patty Wagon saving dames is hilarious, especially when you listen to some of her dialogue.

Hosing the girls you’re saving is probably the most adorable thing ev-WHAT AM I SAYING?!

You start in a stage select screen and begin on a level or “incident’ where you save the gals and get in your robot to fly off to the next incident. The gameplay consists of two sole factors. The first is the platforming which consists of jumping around from place to place and shooting enemies with your fire hose. The second one, which is what makes this game unique is the switch function. When you press a button, Patty’s siren goes off and you switch around specific platforms. This mechanic is basically what ensures life or death in the game. You have to know when to press the button and which platforms will switch when you do this. Sometimes you have to do it really fast because you require a quick jump. This can also be helpful for getting rid of enemies since if they get caught in the way, they smash on the screen and make it looked cracked and then fade away. There are special blocks that work with the switch function such as blocks that can propel you to an area if you stand where they would be and then press the switch button to activate them. There’s also blocks that if you stand of them, they are unaffected by the switch and can be linked to other blocks. The addition to this game from its predecessor is that there are factors that require water. There’s fires you have to put out, enemies that burst when you fill them up with water, mud blocks that disintegrate when you spray water on them and grills that you can temporarily extinguish. I think the random fires on the stages are forcing the mechanic a bit, but since the hose makes for pushing those larger enemies away easier, I don’t mind that much. It’s very simple and very addicting so you don’t have to get so caught up in re-teaching it to yourself if you haven’t played in a while.

I don’t know whose expression is the more hilarious one…

The sound and art direction in this game is great. The effects are clear and crisp and fit to the overall feel of the game. The graphics fit very well into the burning situation that we’ve come across, particularly in the last lever where it almost feels like you’re in a Vietnam flashback. Patty’s voice sounds as happy as ever, in fact I think it’s happier than before. Mainly when you select them from your 3DS. It also emotes a bit more but I think that’s also do to the dialog. I’m not sure if that’s incredibly relevant in the appeal you’ll get from a more gameplay-centric game, but I enjoy it. The soundtrack is also phenomenal. They got Jake Kaufman to do the OST again and he rocked it again. The title music sounds much more bombastic and daring, the select music is much more bouncy and laid-back, the tally screen music is catchy as hell and the final level music is just magnificent! The credits is also pretty good, even if its cheesy as hell. Go ahead and download it, he has up and you can pay whatever you want. It’d be nice to give him a bit of money as a donation, he’s a very talented music-maker.

It’s worth noting that this game has only 16 levels. It would make it somewhat short, and I guess that’s true, but the game’s relatively cheap as far as games go so you do get your money’s worth. Plus, they’re not as easy as you’d think. Aside from the puzzles that you have to complete, you also have a time limit. You’re not really punished if you don’t meet the deadline, but if you’re like me and you don’t like to feel like a chump, you’ll try desperately to do it under said time limit. That takes a lot of time, to be honest. Not only are there times where you feel that you died by some idiotic error, but once you do manage to complete after countless trial and error, you still manage to do it over the time limit. I’d say that it’s near impossible, but I’ve managed to reach the limit after much repetition so it’s more a matter of determination, memorization and skill more so that cheapness. As hard as the game gets, you do get that feeling that if you died it wasn’t by a trick set in but rather your own fault. Sometimes it could be the panic of the moment, other times its a miscalculation. The game never seems to pull anything devious off if you focus on what you’re doing. The final boss fight was generally challenging and it did sort of fit to the game’s theme. Not like the other boss in the last game which seemed a bit unfitting to the idea. I was thinking it was gonna be some giant robot handled by the sisters, but the fight with that boss was fun so I can’t complain too much. The payoff from completing the game is basically the awesome credits song and being able to play as Patty in a more casual outfit a la Metroid, only a tad more dignified/reasonable. If you really want to challenge yourself, you can try getting all of the babies in each incident and kicking them to safety. Yes, you literally kick babies to safety. Oh, how quirky your video game logic can be Mighty Switch Force.

This is one of those rare times I’m okay with a game where you can kick babies

Mighty Switch Force 2 is a great sequel to a wonderful game. It built up from the last game and did enough to add to the original. The music and art style helped to make it stand out as more of its own thematic feel, which made the game feel more interesting. I would have liked a little more implementation of the firefighter mechanic to truly take it to a new level and experiment some more, but I can understand why it choose a more basic approach. Besides, I like the original’s gameplay and how it stuck to a basic mechanic. I don’t know how it would work if they try to make a third game revolving around the hospital to complete the public service trifecta, but if they do, I eagerly anticipate the antics that follow with Patty Wagon. I highly recommend the game to anyone that likes easy-to-get gameplay and addicting puzzles.

Foodfight! AKA My Life Has Gone Down The Drano

Author's Note: Just want to thank TheAnnotatXperiment for supplying the full film for me, as well as pointing out crucial points of the film. 

Let's talk about questionable decisions. We've all made one in our lives. Let's not try to deny it. Sometimes we were fine with it from the start, but then when we looked back on it we regretted what we did. Other times, we were simply desperate and an opportunity arose in a way that wasn't as favorable as we wanted it to be. Hell, we might have just been forced into it. Those sort of circumstances are very common with actors. It may be because of money, it may because of fine print in a contract, it may be because they desire more and more attention. At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it, some of the things stars act in are just atrocious beyond belief. Sometimes, you wonder how some big names out there even managed to last so long after you see them in terrible, terrible movies. But then they are other times that you understand why some people are where they are, why their careers have been cut like an infected limb. I'm pretty sure that in this case, Foodfight! would be considered that infected limb. I heard things about this movie, all of them saying just how terrible it was. What I gathered was it that it was an animated flick, it had something to do with food and a detective. My curiosity was peaked the more I looked into just the kind of people that were surrounded by this project and I became tempted to see how disastrous of a trainwreck it would be. Then I stopped caring because I wasn't that invested in the idea for one reason or another. (Un)fortunately, I stumbled across the Annotated version of this film and watched it a good amount of times to truly sink in what I was being presented too. To merely imagine that this was directed at children is frightening and/or hilarious considering that when I tried to see it through a more official means, I was warned that I had to be 18 or over to watch this film. Still, I have to share this mess to those who aren't aware of it, because I refuse to be the only one whose eyes have witnessed such a spectacle.

I'll give you the low-down on things you have to consider:

- Sexual references that make porn look subtle
- Terrible aversions of profanity (like saying fudge instead of the freakin' F word)
- Food-related puns
- Drink-related puns
- Grocery-related puns
- So many puns...
- Shoehorned references to better things
- Cameos (both the kind you're thinking of and the ones you're not)
- Blatant stereotypes
- I just can't stop mentioning how many fudging puns there are in this movie
- Incredibly thinly-veiled Nazis
- Bizarre acting choices

Take your kids into the other room and turn on Spongebob for them. Then if you really want, you can comprehend the true nature of Foodfight! with me.

The movie opens with a relatively decent title sequence. It's probably the nicest looking bit of animation in the entire film. I know that sounds discouraging, but trust me when I say that you'll find some good animation...just not in a conventional sense. We see a supermarket at closing time and then we see it light up into some sort of mini-city with an instrumental quasi-cover of I'm a Believer playing in the background. Most of the music in this movie is some sort of weird combination of cheap stock music and 80s-90s pop music that's been choked out of all of it's energy. Then we see some bat thing fly in front of us. Now, I'm one of those people that thinks bats look cute. Especially fruit bats, those little buggers are just adorable. The animated bat I saw though is not cute. It's not good-looking either. It's just wrong. Now, why get so up-in-arms about the design of an animated bat, you may ask. Well, it's because it's a clear example of how some of the animation is going to be. It's going to look atrocious and bizarre. You may think I'm contradicting myself here, but you will soon see what I mean.

The song drags on for god knows how long (it was actually 2 minutes, but when you see it, it feels like an eon),. You get a glimpse of the forced humor, which consists of overblown stereotypes, sound effects and bodily functions. Oh and all of a sudden you see Mr. Clean. Yeah. Then we get Charlie "I Wish I Couldn't Handle It" Sheen, in the form of a dog detective by the name of Dex, that spews puns like a Tim Vine sprinkler that shoots acid. He fights off a bunch of rat things on top of a hot-air balloon, then pops it to defeat the mastermind and finished off by falling in a way that would make early greenscreen look hyper realistic. He saves some bird-kitten things and then gets a bunch of random people (including a...I don't know what species of bird reporter) congratulating him for solving 500 consecutive cases. After saying something forgettable, he talks to his chipmunk-squirrel thing-of-a-friend, Dan, played by Wayne Brady (post-Improv-A-Ganza, pre-WLIIA renewal) about proposing. His character is by far one of the most annoying, poorly-animated creatures in this film, and it really hurts me to say that I found myself annoyed by a character played by Wayne Brady. We get some boring conversation with Dex and Dan, and then Dex's cat-girlfriend-thing, Sunshine (Hilary "Haven't Succumb To Lindsey Lohan Syndrome Yet" Duff) is introduced. More boring conversation, followed by a Brooklyn moose, some hijinks and crappy lovey-dovey banter happen as Dex is about to pop the question with a carrot ring, Dan crashes his plane and then we're back to Dex and Dan talking about Sunshine. Okay.

And that's why I don't do drugs, kids.

Aftewards what follows is the best minute of your life. We cut back to the grocery store at day when we see Mr. Clipboard (played by Christopher Lloyd) talking to the owner about Brand X. Lloyd's performance as Mr. Clipboard is a combination of Judge Doom's overt maliciousness and toony horror and Doc Brown's bizarre speech mannerisms. It's accentuated by the abhorrent walk-cycle which really shines through when his voice goes from "sort of okay" to "why are you talking this way?". By god, it is beautiful. The tears I've shed seeing that minute over and over could fill a million seas. Mr. Clipboard then crushes a bag of chips because he's the obvious villain and then the owner weeps over them as a pirate voice curses Brand X for what they've done to one bag of chips. So, just to recap the logic of this movie so far, crushed chips equal murdering a child. Maybe that's a bit extreme, but it's almost played as so, mainly with how the owner grieves over the chips. Don't worry, it'll get more outrageous as it goes along.

Out of nowhere, we cut to a white-suited Dex (symbolism for how he's a good guy or just some generic hero get-up?), who apparently is grieving over not being able to save Sunshine and quitting the supermarket detective agency. I know sudden changes occur in a movie, but the pacing in how we cut from one thing to the next is just abysmal. Dan tries to cheer him up, though I'm more tempted to punch a brick wall hearing him blabber on. Apparently, Dex owns a club now thanks to Dan's wonderful expositional skills and Dan flies off seeing that Dex is crying over spilt milk. As Dan flies around we hear him trying to pick up...I mean booty call some random girl on the street, saying lines that 70s pornos would be ashamed of. Dan crashes his plane again (because hurr durr, collateral damage is funny), lands on a tree, and makes more poorly-done cartoonish humor. We cut back to Dex who finds himself in a shady alley, confronted by a weasel voiced by Lawrence Kasanoff. He's worse than Dan because unlike Dan, I can't respect the actor behind the disgusting animated abomination. Kasanoff here pulled a Tommy Wiseua, being the director, producer, writer and an actor in this film, sucking at each field. Plus the design of the weasel looks more inappropriate and filthy than sneaky and filthy. The weasel gets run over by a train, but averts a satisfying death because of a deus ex "writer-director-producer wants more screentime" and we cut to the Copa-Banana, followed by some more jukebox rejects and random product placement cameos.

I don't know what's sadder. Him being here or in Two and a Half Men.

Dex drinks himself some Irish milk as some pirate who I don't care about gets chipfaced on potato juice and then we get the femme failtale, Lady X(XX). If you thought Jessica Rabbit and Holli Would weren't the least bit subtle about being sultry smooth-talking sex-bombs, well, you're right, they weren't. Jessica did have the exaggeration down in a manner that was meant to tribute/parody the archetype and Holli Would at least had the decency to be in a movie that declared itself to be adult. Lady X is just a Hooters neon-sign designed by DeviantArt. Dex then makes the worst Casablanca reference in the world, followed by Dan doing some more smooth talking to get into Lady X's grocery aisle. The pirate character finds the Lady suspicious while Dex is wondering what's up with her familiar scent. A foodfight ensues with all the icons of brands, which is dissapointingly dull. You'd think that with all the weirdness and stupidity of the world that the action sequences would at least be entertaining in some way, but it's not. Save for like that one bit where the lady spins around the whole place, but maybe that's my selective "lolrandum" kicking in. Thankfully, Dex tells them to split...oh I'm sorry, I mean "banana-split"...out of his club as Lady X decided to go with the perverted Dan because she digs chocolate. Get it? Because chocolate stands for black people and black people have big penises. Surprisingly, my description of the joke makes it feel less blatant than how they deliver it. Dan celebrates his chance at getting his popsicle licked as Dex goes back to sulking some more about no sunshine. I'm just glad they didn't cover Bill Withers's hit. I don't want to imagine his body spinning so out of control that it then throws us off the planet. Oh wait...he's still alive. Thank god.

Lady X comes back, wearing her not-even-remotely-naughty schoolgirl uniform and tries to get to Dex. Dex doesn't care and then they go to a crime scene where an icon has been removed, causing the product it represents to go bad. I don't really understand why that's the case, couldn't they just get a new icon to fill in the place? There's millions upon millions of those things running about in the film, just have them be the new spokeperson. Hell, couldn't the grocer just get new products instead of having to submit to Brand X? Couldn't the grocery even make their own products? Then again, we don't know how powerful the grocery is yet...there's actually a lot we really don't know. Gah, whatever...cut to the grocery store where Mr. Clipboard is prancing about as gracefully as an epileptic ballerina, filling in for the products that have been removed. I'd love to talk about Mr. Clipboard some more, but before I can finish my sentence, it cuts back to Dex who keeps moping about Sunshine. Dude, I get it, you don't have her anymore. Just get a bone or a chew-toy, it's just as effective. A town hall meeting takes place whereupon Lady X and the rest of the NaXis take over Eggrolland with a speech that couldn't even rouse the most gullible sheep in the world. The weasel then comes back again and gets "killed" by a Nazi that sounds like an impersonation of a stuck-up, egocentric, over-acting "master thespian". After all, that was completely necessary.

As you'd expect, Dex comes back into the picture, breaking into Lady X's lair. The two then proceed to have the dullest tango in the world. And considering the set-pieces that they try to throw into the sequence to make it amusing like knocking down a weapons rack, breaking some fish-tank-thing, releasing a bunch of crazy-bird things, and then breaking a glass-ice-sculpture-thing, that makes the lack of enjoyment so much more prevalent. Oh and don't forget puns, because that sequence was full of them. So then guess what? Lady X turns out to be evil and then traps Dex with Dan in a washing machine. Of course they escape, and find out the totally-not-obvious plot of Brand X and then try to escape, bumping into another annoying character whose nose is twice the schnoz of Jimmy Durante. He's too annoying to even talk about. It interrupts the lack of humor that resonates from the Three Signs of the Apocalypse and cuts to a disturbing execution of an icon done by Brand X. It goes back to the three of them because this movie sucks at transitions. Dex gets the idea to go into daytime and cross to the other side of the store where they can find a computer that'll inform them about the evil plan of Brand X. Of course, in the daytime it's risky to go out because humans might see them. Lord knows no one wants to see those icons coming at them, they have enough to worry about. Although to be fair, if you saw the humans in this world, you'd probably want to become a hermit for the rest of your life. Dex and Dan barely make it to the other side, defying an incredibly ugly Brand X minion and the laws of physics.

Level 6: You are the devil, and you're drinking rubbing alcohol out of desperation.

While they're on the other side (god I wish that meant something else), they find the bat I was talking about early, voiced by Larry Miller. I suspect this movie was to pay off a gambling debt of his. Despite the design, he's one of the most hilarious characters in the movie. Partly because he sounds like if Larry Miller is rambling rather than saying lines, partly because they make the character a bumbling fool and partly because they make him into a gay bat. Yeah, this movie really knows how to push boundaries. They reach the computer which is working on IBM (I don't think anyone even knows what they are anymore), and find that both Sunshine and some prune brand was recalled by Brand X. Among other brands. And if they know how powerful Dex is, why don't they just recall him? Also, this just has him spouting more angst than ever. It's making Shadow look dignified! They get trapped, but then escape. More Brand X propaganda occurs, then Dex ends up back at his club and just in time! Brand X was going to make the icons sing allegiance to them. Fear not, for another terribly forced Casablanca reference is here to save the day! Brand X isn't pleased with their defiance and vows to get them back. This gives Dex enough time to apparently set up a trap to catch Brand X off-guard and launch out a more literal food fight. Well, more like a food war.

Now, you think that this would at least be moderately fun, what with the fight starting with the icons pouring hot chocolate (with marshmellows) on Brand X, and later bombarding them with food that would probably have fed an entire African village. At least there would be something that would keep you somewhat invested in the action. But nope. It just feels like it drags on endlessly and the desperate attempts at comedy and cartoon violence are more annoyingly frequent than an ad on Youtube. The weasel comes back, big surprise, and I guess helps out, I don't know, and neither do I care. The General of Brand X then kills some penguin which Dex apparently had some relationship with (yeah, this movie doesn't like explaining anything at all) and then Dex gets payback by covering him in tape and then running him over with a tomato soup can. And then afterwards he says some really terrible one-liner because that's really all Dex does. Say puns, one liners and just how much he misses Sunshine. He's flatter than flapjacks, I tell ya. Speaking of things I don't care about, a whole bunch of icons die! And Big-Nose comes back to assault your ear-drums! And then Dan comes back to grace you with his terrible presence! It's like Christmas morning in Hell!

Going back to our main character, Dex decides to infiltrate the Brand X HQ, but Lady X gets the upper hand, taking her to her lair again where Sunshine is being held captive by a Brand X soldier! Oh no! As they're having the good-guy-bad-guy-banter, I find that this part is funny for all the wrong reasons. Sure, Dex says perhaps one of the worst lines in all of history, but it's so bad it turns into a magnificent swan that majestically flies away. Sure, the sequence plays out more like a gritty action movie, but it leads to one of the best deaths in the entire film. The only issue I have is that the way Dex kills the soldier is by spitting a raisin at  a gun in mid-air. Really, a raisin? This would disappoint me, but that would imply that there was something in this movie that gave me hope. Dex and Sunshine go back to boring googly eyes (in some cases, I mean that literally), but then realize that they have to escape the building before it collapses. As you'd imagine, Dan comes to rescue, finally pulling off the loop-de-loop and not crashing the plane for once. Come to think of it, where does he get a new plane? Shouldn't they just revoke his flying license already? Why am I asking these questions?

FE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF BAD ACTORS

Once they successfully land, the final boss emerges. That's right, Mr. Clipboard comes back, as if he were a drunk Godzilla. Wonderful, now they can all die and this movie can end! Or at the very least we get a decent fight. What's that? He gets defeated by dental floss? Well, now I'm disappointed. Thanks for that false hope, movie. It doesn't stop there though, because guess what? No...really...guess. It turns out Mr. Clipboard is Lady X in a human robot! And, she's also the icon of the prune brand that got recalled.

WHAT

Let me see if I get this clear. Brand X recalled the prune brand, thus leading her to change her appearance into Lady X, and then take over as the head of Brand X in the form of a human robot? First off, if the brand was recalled that would either mean that she killed the original head of Brand X and then replaced the head with the robot of Mr. Clipboard or that she recalled herself. Second, how the hell did she get that human robot, let alone sneak into Brazil to get herself surgery?! I mean, I've seen asspulls in movies before, and some I could take, but there was absolutely no indication that the world they lived in was incredibly high-tech. Sure, talking icons and certain grocery related warfare makes sense, as well as the grocery city, but the human robot went too far. What's next, you're gonna tell me Sunshine could actually kick some ass and smack Lady X back to her ugly self? Hell, I'd buy that, it's less absurd and insulting than the HUMAN ROBOT. Fuck this, the movie ends with Dex and Sunshine back together and Brand X destroyed, whoop-de-damn-do.

Foodfight! is that combination of a movie gone so wrong that feels so right and a movie that is so abhorrent, you will no longer feel anything and roam the earth as an empty husk of your former self. The animation is awful, the attempts at comedy are awful, the whole plot is awful. How they shoehorn cameos of different products makes commercials look subtle. Half the actors are either boring or annoying, and it's sad considering that there's actually some talented people behind this. At the same time, Larry Miller Bat, Mr. Clipboard and the two Brand X head soldiers (one played Jerry Stiller, oddly enough) made up for what the others lacked and bizarrely enough, some of the abysmal lines are actually quite funny. The humor is not a conventional one, as well as it shouldn't. It takes a good amount of strength to stand this movie. It's awful beyond belief, you have to find some other way to enjoy yourself, and I guarantee you'll find it. Either in the disjointed nature of the production, the random animation jerks or simply because you get a kick out of horrible dialogue, there's bound to be something in this that you'll at least get a kick out of.

LINK TO THE MOVIE

A Response To Joel Stein From A Lazy, Entitled Narcissist

I don't know why exactly I read TIME magazine. Perhaps it's because it's a way to make myself feel superior to the other teenagers who spend their time going to parties and other socializing events. After all, it is written by the intellectual elite, as evident by the articles talking about Hollywood films and petty celebrity gossip. Lately, an article had been catching the eye of many internet goers. I wasn't exactly sure why that was, mainly because there were a lot of edits of the cover circulating the Web. Finally, I found the actual magazine lying on the floor, covered in a boot print. It read, The Me Me Me Generation, written by some geezer named Joel Stein. He called us "millennials...lazy, entitled narcissists". It also said that we lived in our parents' basements. After reading the article...or should I say skimming through to the important bits, I felt the need to write my feelings about it. I wasn't really sure what to feel about it, pushing myself to write about it in a Starbucks cafe is enough work already. By the end, I'm sure you'll all agree with the brilliance that I pose in the following paragraphs. You have to, I deserve your attention!

First and foremost, Stein says that we are incredibly obsessed with ourselves. Now, I don't think that I'm that wrapped up with my own personal matters. I don't spend all of my time posting pictures of myself on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and speaking about my point of view on a popular matter in the hopes of getting an answer. I only do that most of the time. The rest of the time is dedicated to playing video games and procrastinating. That describes not only me but other millenials. We're busy in our own little bubbles, playing on our phones and can't be forced to deal with crazy adult things like a "mortgage" or "student loan debt". Well actually, we have to deal with the latter because we need to focus on how we can balance that as we look for a job in such a terrible economy. Oh, I'm sorry, why am I worrying about myself when I should be worrying about the problems that the economy is causing to everyone else? I'm just proving Joel right.

At the end it's all the technology's fault for this. All these cellphones and tablets have hooked us into doing nothing more than babble incoherently about ourselves and push off more urgent matters. It has perpetuated our sloth and has fed our ego. Why bother thinking about how to make the world a better place for our children when we can just wait ambitiously for a new message from Facebook? That requires creativity, and technology has robbed us from that ability. I didn't know what else to do with Legos other than make towers, how can you expect me to find new ways to deal with a problem. There's no other way we can use the vast amount of resources that are available to us with the touch of a button if it doesn't involve reality TV hijinks. Technology is a manipulative plague on this generation, and it's doing nothing but create more problems.

There's no denying that there's a lot of issues that we millenials are going to have to face. Climate change in the environment being caused by years of pollution, a crumbling economy that seems to only reward the rich and overpopulation. That sure is a lot that we have to deal with, shame there's no app to solve any of these things. Even though the big J.S says in the end that we may have a chance of fixing everything, it's so completely obvious that what he really means is that the human race has finally reached it's peak and the only way we're going is down. Into the ground. Let's face it, we don't know how to push for greener initiatives, policies that distribute the wealth more among each other and...well, I'm not even sure how to fix the third issue! Why can't the older people fix our problems? It's not like we made the mess! Okay, maybe we had a small part in it. A quarter of a part in it. Half of it. Alright, fine, we had everything to do with it. But what are we gonna do about it? Rebel? Hah, you must be crazy!

In the time of the millenials, we're as complacent as Owen Wilson's acting. Any time we try to rebel for a cause, we lack the proper energy to show our passion for our fight. You remember Occupy Wall Street? That failed not because the rich people wanted to distract the middle class from just how much they were ripping the common man off or because police were shutting down the protest. It's because we didn't put our foot down hard enough. How about Kony 2012? That was a disaster. Joseph Kony truly was a dangerous war criminal and we just let him run free, naked on the streets, like the maniac he is. There's too much apathy in our generation and Ol' Jo sees that. We'd much rather just ignorantly follow the whims of our parents rather than try to change anything. That's why Republicans have absolutely no problem winning the youth vote. With our line of thinking, it's no surprise that it'll take two more centuries until homosexuals get the rights they deserve, provided that we last that long. How can we hope to fix the larger issues when we can't even let people marry whoever they want? 

Stein's article has shown me the light. A small, dim light that goes farther away as I desperately try to reach it.   There's nothing left to hope for in this dull and dreary world where the only ones that possess the information necessarily for our survival are retiring and/or turning senile. Why should I even bother anymore? This whole generation is focused on the latest entertainment instead of just how terrible we're going to have in a few years. Once we do finally get in the positions of power that could help us to find way to combat the pressing issues of the world, we won't be able to manage our resources properly. We'll want to complain to someone else and make them do our job for us like it was a school project that we handed to our parents. Except our parents won't be there to handle the dangerous tools. They'll be having far too much trouble even trying to chew their own food. Oh god, why does it have to be this way?

Wait, what am I saying? I'm a millenial. I have inventive ideas. I've had intelligent conversations with others that had nothing to do with whatever filth is on the TV. Sure, I like to post pictures of myself and talk about what I've done on Twitter, but so do people that aren't in my generation. It's not because we're self-absorbed, we just live in a generation we're it's easier for information about ourselves to spread about the world. We're not entitled because we're lazy, it's because we're sick of how the system is nowadays. We all feel the need to ask for something from the government, whether it's the early 1900s or the early 2010s. It's called a democracy for a reason, because it's run by the people. We may not have success rebelling in the conventional ways, but we still want change. That's precisely why Obama got to where he is right now, because he promised just that. And guess what? It's not enough. Joel Stein has no true concept about how we truly are. He can wave his statistics about how "58% more college students scored higher on a narcissism scale in 2009 than in 1982" (which by the way, he probably pulled out of one of his very objective sources, The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeapordizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30)) and the like all around the place, but he doesn't know about our souls, our passions. I could do the same research that he did by staring at a TV screen for hours on end. As he so emptily shoehorned on to the cover to convince others that what he wrote wasn't just a rant, we shall "save [them] all".

Ah, forget it, I'm going to be completely frank with you. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. The older generations are well-known for looking down at the younger heirs of the planet and rolling their eyes at whatever popular trends we follow. They complain about how ill-prepared, naive and idiotic the teens of today are and anticipate that the clock for humanity will be ticking it's last seconds soon. We millenials are not the first to face this though, as past generations have faced the same age-related prejudice. They probably didn't like such a sweeping generalization and fought hard to defy them. Look what they're doing now, they're pushing those same complaints onto us. While we can look at it as cranky pessimism, our slump has become deeper with the matter of climate change. Perhaps those coots aren't so crazy to call us youngsters "dumb whippersnappers". What they forget (aside from their teeth) is that they're still in the seats of power. Anyone these days can spew their opinion and throw surveys and tests around claiming that it proves the path to come, whether they're young or old. But like the weathermen on the local news channel, they could get their prediction wrong. We all have to wait until we take hold of the reigns of government and business and see what we come up with. If we can't handle the problem, we'll blame in on our children. If everything goes well, we can rub it in the faces of the folks at the retirement homes. You just have to give us a bit of TIME.

Breaking The Bits - Points Of Interest (glue70)

It's not his current logo, but I still love it.

I owe a lot to glue70 when it comes to my current taste in music. I'll admit that when I went to a site called Breakbit, I merely did it because I was interested in mrSimon, who previously had made some videos that I had grown very accustom to. The other artists to me didn't really garner my attention since they all seemed sort of the same. Then, I come across a video on Breakbit's channel called Jaffa Cake Jam. Then and there, I had witnessed first-hand the wonders of glue70. Not only did I enjoy that song, but I proceeded to download all of his EPs and albums. That in turn introduced me to Glenn Miller (All of Ode To Glenn and Jaffa Cake Jam from Glue Sniffer) and Mr. Oizo (Inflated from Photo Real as well as this), who are both great artists. There's a lot I've learned from music from him and he really has that element to him that I've found in so many Breakbit artists. Along with Vaervaf, they are the two only artists ever that I have each and every of their albums and I absolutely enjoy a great deal of their work. I would have put glue70 on the trifecta of artists who have evolved from sample-heavy tunes to more original and flowing melodies like I did with Orangy and Vaervaf, but glue70 had a less glitchy and violent method. But without him, I wouldn't have taken more of those risks to try the other artists and enjoy their experimentation.

Hey, if putting a triangular prism on their album worked for Pink Floyd, it should work thricefold here.

A while back I mentioned that Worldwide Digitizing was my number 1 pick as the best album of 2012, at least on the Breakbit circuit. A lot of artists evolved but glue70 really took it to another level by straying away from his style on altering a song in a new rhythmic manner and instead used samples a means to spice up a newly created song. Hell, at some moments it was hard to tell if there was some sample used or if he simply went with scratch. It really was a magnificent work. Eagerly awaiting his newest work, I stumbled across a tune of amazing proportions on his Soundcloud. There and then I knew that something new was in the works. I was stoked and soon I found a video that showed that something new was in the works. And then the retro-looking promo came up and I dropped everything to get Points Of Interest. Unfortunately for me, Bandcamp was being the biggest bastard in the world. It had been for a while, right when I wanted to catch up on what I missed with DR777 (and a few others), so I was relatively screwed until a friend of mine decided to help me out with the issue. Sadly I only managed to get one of the albums off the list of the many that I wanted, but you can probably infer which one I got. Soon I was with the album in my iTunes and I was listening to each tune to take in what I had heard.

Generally, the songs have a throwback to older styles of electronic music, but it gets melded with a newer mentality. That is to say that glue70 has modernized the past. Oddly, he's done that quite a bit, most notably in Ode To Glenn. The difference is that this is a more aesthetic choice rather than it being a sample choice. The beats are more reminiscent of downtempo yet there's clear amount of experimentation with the movement of the songs and the sampling that is inserted. Simply put, think of it like if a robot went back in time and tried to emulate the music of the past. It gets the concepts, but it also puts its own modern spin. The promo is very fitting for the album as well as it does get you into that realm where everything sounds like it's coming out of a bizarre video tape that only records [adult swim bumps]. Everything sounds very relaxed and  surreal enough to make you think you're sitting there waiting for a new episode of Squidbillies.

The album starts off with Convey Your Thoughts, and everything seems all groovy and bouncy. Then it cuts to a voice (which I'm not sure is actually glue70) that is constantly distorted and hopes that you enjoy it. It's a pleasant introduction to the album, although it's a tad on the short side and can't really be shared so much with others, despite it's fantastic beat. Then we get to Escape which pretty much does that. The music transports you to a more mellow and mysterious funk that pretty much does what Convey Your Thoughts would have done it if was more instrumental. It gets things moving but sadly it fades in too soon. Now, that's not too problematic because it at least feels more complete and fleshed out, but it couldn't hurt if it was longer. Plastic Way Of Life then comes along and this is where you really feel the "[as] bumps video tape music" bit that I was talking about come by. Well, aside from it being a promotional song that had that style in it, there's the fade in and out of the samples that come through along with the vinyl crackle throughout the tune. The song hits certain points properly and it flows wonderfully because of such movement. It's typical for electronic songs to do that, but glue70 pulls it off in quite an interesting way. Then we have Casin, which is when we really get a full and rich tune to bop your body too. Everything that needed to be done from the fade in to the insertions of the voice coming to and fro were placed where they needed to be and in turn make it great. There it doesn't feel like it needs to be longer because it feels like everything that needed to take place took place.

Don't worry, this is relevant...but not in an insulting way.

Now we come to Highway Broken, which is quite honestly the most brilliant song I have ever heard glue70 make. It's like putting a Mentos into Diet Coke, it starts to bubble up and soon a blast of pure, sweet energy fires out. I can just feel the love, the passion and the sheer wonder that is exerted from each note. It is as precise as Casin and it creates such a great atmosphere of heavenly magic that would make me sound more like a fanboy than I already do. I do love this song, it was one of the primary reasons I wanted to get the song. Domestic Silence is next and while it can be jarring to go from one style to another so abruptly, but that doesn't mean it's not a good tune. It has a more idiosyncratic melody and movement, and it does a weird transition halfway through and it probably is one of those songs that depending on who you are, you will either love, hate or be indifferent to. Afterwards comes These Street Walkers which has a peculiar intro and choice of sample, but it moves much like a simple electronic song does. It eventually starts to get more energetic and then ends off in one of the coolest ways I've heard. Oh...wait...well, it almost did, but it still worked. We proceed with Car Freshener which I would say is the most experimental of the bunch. Now this one is another one that could either make it or break it for you, but I think one should appreciate it for doing something more unique and indescribable. I think in that respect it should at least get credit for trying something more alien, even if it isn't absolutely astonishing.

Otherside Avenue swooshes right in and has another message telling us to enjoy the song. Kind of odd, but in a way it's fitting. Sort of. I'll admit, I don't quite like the song that much, at least not in respect with all the other songs, but it still has a nice pace and movement to it. Quiet Mary Talking, on the other hand, I really dig with it's experimentation and movement. Even though I've said before in my selections that some of glue70's tunes may stray away others due to its style, I definitely think that this one really captures not only the proper elements to something different but can appeal to a more general listener. It should at least be a little more "easy" to listen to. Fraser Can't Play  goes back into the problems of some of the previous selections of being too short and maybe throwing some of the listeners off, though I don't think there really could be anything else you could do to make the length better. At least to me. By no means is it perfect with the length it has, but trying to add anything else to it or making it longer wouldn't work well with the flow. Dirt Degree changes that slightly as it serves as a middle ground for glue70's style to flourish whilst also trying to to bring things back to a more "mainstream" mood. The flow works and it grounds things back so that you can get back into the album.

With Step Into The Sunshine, it takes the album to a more hip-hop groove and it certainly flows well after Dirt Degree. You get back into it and you enjoy more of the mellow nature that most of the songs offer. Then comes At Kins which once again throws regular listeners off. It has a great movement and a delightfully abstract mood that while it can be great, also confuses the listener. With the right mindset, they should acknowledge that the more experimental bits are part of his style, but at the same time I sympathize with those who'd view the album's feel switching back and forth so much. Safe History does well after At Kins since it just takes the experimental at full value and takes it to a more hip-hop route. It ends shortly but like Fraser Can't Play, if it was any longer it wouldn't work. Finally, we have J'Adore Le Jus D'Orange which j'adore parce que c'est tres catchy. It's very catchy and simply and will get people back into it. It sums up all that the album is supposed to be and it does it so wonderfully.

That's one juicy tune, alright.

Points Of Interest delivered with what I was expecting. It's everything that I was expecting and more. It showed the growth and skill that glue70 exerts with his ever-changing style. It veered off into new territory and it also took some lessons from old. Whilst some of the songs were short and some of the experimentation could fend off newer listeners, there isn't enough abnormalities in the album to truly alienate the common music connoisseur. And with the right mindset and more familiarity to glue70's methods, one could really enjoy the album. The mood may not be consistent, but it's that mish-mash of different feelings that makes the songs by themselves all the better.

TOP 5 SONGS:

1. Highway Broken
2. Casin
3. J'Adore Le Jus D'Orange
4. Plastic Way Of Life
5. Quiet Mary Talking

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