Friday, 27 June 2014

Pitching Schindler's List 2

A Hollywood executive is waiting for his meeting with two men on the sequel for Schindler's List 2

Hollywood Exec: What's taking them so long?

The intercom goes off

Hollywood Exec: (pushes button) Yes, Denise?

Denise: Your 3 o' clock is here

Hollywood Exec: They're an hour late. Send them in.

Two men appear. For the sake of convenience let's call one John and the other Sam. John runs in, dropping some papers which he promptly picks up. Sam, on the other hand, walks in nonchalantly wearing sunglasses indoors and drinking from a Starbucks cup

Hollywood Exec: You two are late!

John: (flustered) Sorry about that sir, I had a bit of trouble with traffic.

Sam: 'Sup dude. (sips from his cappuccino or whatever)

Hollywood Exec: Listen...I've heard that you two have done some great work in this business. John, you've gotten some wonderful recognition from all those fancy film festivals, as well as winning that Golden Hand thingy...

John: You mean the Palme d'Or?

Hollywood Exec: Whatever. And you Sam, those summer blockbusters are just printing money!

Sam: Well, as my mentor said, "You can't go wrong with explosions and titties."

Hollywood Exec: Yes, well I've been given the order by the higher-ups to make a sequel to one of the greatest movies in the world. And since I know that you two can make some great stuff, I want to hear each of your pitches for the film. Starting with you, Sam.

Awkward silence.

Hollywood Exec: You do have an idea for me, don't you?

Sam: Uh...yeah! I'm calling it...uh...Schindler's List 2: Schindler's Pissed!

John: Really? That's the name you're going with? You sure you didn't get that from a TV show while stoned off your ass?

Sam: Well, what are you calling it smart-guy?

John: The Trials Of Schindler

Sam: How the hell would anyone know it's the sequel to the movie?

John: Well it takes place at the aftermath of WWII, where Schindler is f-

Hollywood Exec: Hey, it's Sam's turn to talk, not yours.

John: Sorry sir.

Sam: Anyways, it takes place at the aftermath of WWII, where Schindler is still in Germany. He's still guilt-ridden by the Jews that he was unable to save and stuff. He then reads in the paper that some of the Nazis have avoided being in the Nuremberg trials. So he then makes it his mission to track down all the Nazi officials and bring them to justice (with a terrible LaFontaine impression) one way or another.

John and the executive have their jaws open.

Sam: So what do ya think?

Hollywood Exec: (aghast) Well, I gotta say this is...this is...

absolutely brilliant! Keep going.

Sam: Yes well...

John: Wait, hold on a really want to hear more of this nutjob's idea for the film?

Hollywood Exec: Of course, I think it has a lot of potential.

John: Even though he ignores the fact that Schindler left Germany and ended up in Bavaria?

Hollywood Exec: We're not really known for being historically accurate, kid. What matters is how good the story can know that's true

John: (reluctantly) You got me there.

Hollywood Exec: Carry on.

Sam: Anyways, so he's finding Nazi after Nazi. At first he tries to reason with them, but they don't he pulls out the big guns and starts gunning them down. (imitates gunfire noises) As he keeps getting Nazi after Nazi, collecting the bounty on their head, he overhears that Amon Goeth has returned to plot his revenge on Schindler.

Hollywood Exec: That's genius!

John: (sarcastic chuckle) If it weren't for the fact that he's dead, sure.

Sam: And it turns out that Goeth is planning to recreate an underground concentration camp under a movie theatre, in which he captures Itzhak Stern as well as a whole bunch of other Jews. So then we see Schindler overseeing the travesty as a little boy with blue clothes meandering about aimlessly in the midst of all the chaos. 

John: Oh, so you're going to make it black and white like the original and have that be a key symbolic feature in the film?

Sam: What is this, the 40s? We'll make it color.

John puts his head down in shame

Hollywood Exec: Yes, that way we can appeal to the modern audiences!

Sam: So we see Schindler continue beating up Nazis, getting information from them and informing the president of the United States to send a task force of his greatest men to combat the Holocaust 2.0.

John: Why would Schindler contact the president of the United States?

Sam: Well who else is going to stop those Nazis, the Germans?

John: You do know Germany went a full 180 after the war? It's not like they actually believed Hitler and would let another Holocaust happen. Hell, the Germans should have been stopping this underground holocaust from happening.

Sam: Fine, they'll be bribed with Nazi gold.

John: The rest of the world would be on their asses then.

Sam: The Nazis become the greatest superpower and everyone's afraid to intervene.

John: That doesn't ev-

Hollywood Exec: Let the man finish for Christ's sake! Go on, Sam.

Sam: Afterwards, we find that Schindler breaks Stern out of the new Holocaust and starts making a new list of the Jews he's going to free, which the two find a way of doing so. Then when meeting up with the American team, they devise a plan to ambush Goeth and the Nazi buddies at the theatre. Then we'll have Stern with a...a subplot of trying to get revenge on Goeth's second hand man who then ended up killing his wife, while Goeth is  planning to destroy the Jews with a doomsday device. Oh and uhhh did I mention that Schindler gets a smoking hot French chick on his team that kicks a ton of ass and has the hots for him?

John: (rolls eyes) Good lord, why don't you just make it so that the little boy in the blue clothes is brainwashed by the Nazis to become an ultimate killing force?

Hollywood Exec: That's not such a bad idea.

John pulls out a flask and starts drinking from it

Sam: In the end, we have this giant climatic battle in the theatre. Everyone on the team is dead. All but Schindler. Amon Goeth informs Schindler that he's captured Stern and his girlfriend and placed them with the rest of the Jews there. He then sicks the little boy on him, who's become a...a...(snaps his fingers) a cyborg spider with fire-breath!

The Hollywood executive is on the edge of his seat. John keeps drinking from his flask

Sam: Before the boy finishes him off, Schindler reminds the fire-breathing cyborg spider boy of the importance of his family, which touches its heart. The fire-breathing cyborg spider boy then kills Amon Goeth, which prompts Schindler to say...

John: Oh god, don't you even think about saying it...

Sam: "I guess you did nazi that coming?"

The Hollywood executive is in stitches. John finishes his flask.

Sam: Schindler then runs off to to where Stern and his girlfriend are and saves them along with a whole bunch of Jews. The building then explodes and upon that he finds the remains of a ton of the Jews. He then says that he could have saved those Jews, he could have saved more of them. He starts to cry out in anguish over the souls that are lost. We seen the turmoil of a tortured soul who has done his best, but feels as though that is not enough.

The Hollywood executive starts blubbering, blowing his nose into a tissue.

Sam: His girlfriend then informs him that he did his best, and that it was the damn best that he could have done. The two then kiss and all the Jews applaud as they all walk out into the sunset. The end.

Hollywood Exec: Well I gotta say, this is one hell of a project! It's gonna be a tough act to follow, John.

John: (twitching furiously) You really can't think that what this guy is saying is a great idea? You seriously can't!

Hollywood Exec: Oh come on, this story is wonderful!

John: It's not! For one, why would Schindler go gung-ho against the Nazis if he's freeing them from the camps through some other way? Why do we need to include Americans out of nowhere? Whatever happened to Emilie Schindler? Did we just forget that he was already married? What happened to Stern's subplot? Or the French girl's ass-kicking abilities? There's so many other questions that are left to the viewer! But fine, go ahead and make it. I guarantee you that Steven Speilberg, Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley and everyone else would spit on your script. You'd then have to find some other director and actors who would end up making this sequel more unnecessary than it already is!

Sam: Well if you think this is pointless, why did you bother to come up with a pitch for the film?

John: Look I didn't think that making a pitch for this film was pointless...okay I kind of did, but I can see potential in the idea of continuing with the story of Schindler. The man was not a perfect being, his business and personal life were terrible after the war. He never got his factories working right, he was a complete adulterer; these things don't seem to connect with such a heroic figure. But with that all said, his deeds shouldn't be cast aside from his own faults. Just because great men have faults doesn't mean that their achievements are no less important. I want to build upon the torment that he felt from not being able to save more lives. I want to emphasize the idea that while we all have our faults, we are capable of doing good. Not plaster this man's name to another brainless Nazi-killing fantasy.

More awkward silence

Hollywood Exec: You know, make some good points. And I like your angle on the story too. Tell you what, I'll let you both do your take on the film. I'll let the public decide.

A few years later, the two films come out. Schindler's List 2: Schindler's Pissed and The Trials Of Schindler. The former makes a ton of money, but the only people that like it do so ironically. The latter receives multiple awards from a variety of festivals and just barely manages to break even. 

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