Saying that the Oscars aren't exactly all they're cracked up to be is the equivalent of saying that a shot of Everclear will get you drunk instantly. It's a no-brainer, but fuck if that'll stop you from partaking in it just to see what happens! And given that now the lords of entertainment have bestowed to all of us who is worthy, the disappointment is as palpable as the vomit rising from a lightweight shotgunning a flask of 99% proof alcohol. It's been hard-pressed to find anyone who agrees with the Academy's choices. Certainly I could spend my time smashing the keyboard in my rage of Can You Ever Forgive Me being pushed aside for Best Picture to Vice, but harrumphing about personal decisions on nominations really is best suited for Twitter conversations or chats down by the pub. Rather, I just want to focus on the spectacle itself, as this year has definitely not been golden for the greatest awards Tinseltown has to dish out.
No one wanted to host this sucker. Well, Kevin Hart raised his hand to want to give it a try, but we all know that he thinks that the gays should be wearing a pink triangle instead. So now they're scrapping together to see how they can pad out the drama of Pixar winning Best Animated Feature. You can't really blame entertainers for not wanting to host award shows. From what they say, hosting the Oscars is more tense than a stand-up routine at a maximum-security prison. No one's really interested in the hot take that Drumpf bad, they just want to know if they're getting that goddamn golden Adonis or not. There might be a few laughs from the most plastered seat-fillers in the auditorium, but what comes up more is the dead eyes of a A-lister wanting to suck out the host's soul as a B-lister mugs to the camera to become a reaction image. It's not surprising then that their material isn't exactly their best, because why put effort in making a house of cards right before a hurricane's about to hit?
The whole idea of handing out industry awards doesn't need to be exaggerated into a massive glitzy affair. No one really thinks about the wonderful dresses the wives of automobile companies wore to the J.D Power And Associates Award Show. That's because J.D Power doesn't feel it necessary to make it a show. It would serve just as well to have the Oscars inside of a dusty Warner Brothers stuido lot with no cameras in it. The Academy however has to do all this self-fellating, not only because it feels good but also to brag about how great they are that they can do it. It's the largest way for them to showcase their moral posturing. Which you know, is funny from an industry that MeToo revealed was comprised of enough creeps that they should have their own Spotlight made about them. It's not really like they learned their lesson, as Bryan Singer could happily walk back in with a movie that makes Freddie Mercury come off as a selfish asshole, even though new allegations popped up before the red carpet could be rolled out. Add that they neglected to nominate any female directors and one might opt to think that wearing that pin was just a fashion choice rather than a moral stance. But you know, they got Black Panther and BlacKkKlansman in their nominations, so sorry to bother them.
Course why focus on these identity politics? If a movie's good, a movie's good. Well, I'd appreciate a little bit more diversity in the awards, especially when Hollywood makes a big fuss about trying to be more inclusive. They sure seem to take their time to get with the times. They want to pretend that they're these hallmarks of progressivism but their performances are better suited for the Razzies. Sure, Hart was a little insensitive back in the day but how much more can the man say sorry? You don't need to be a fan of him to think that the Academy's full of it when they revoke him of that wonderful privilege of padding out the largest annual vanity fair. You can almost sympathize when MAGA chuds hate how smug those limousine liberals are, raising their noses up in the air as how much better it is not living in flyover country. Who are those hypocrites to think they're any better? Course that doesn't justify the rest of their views but it's rare to find issues where we can be bipartisan.
You know what I think the Academy should do? Own their inability to please anyone. The Oscars only manage to stand out with gaffes. All this work to sanitize the show seems counter-intuitive to the overwhelming press coverage that comes from a single mix-up of envelopes. Controversy is the adrenaline shot that keeps celebrity culture thriving. If all we're going to get is panem et circenses, then make the circenses fucking bonum. Have the worst celebrities present the awards. Ensure the acceptance speeches are rambling and crazy enough that the orchestra won't be able to cut them off from being stunned by how incoherent they are. Shoot Billy Crystal out of a cannon. I bet you even conservatives would be entertained from a proper shitshow taking place. Because given the current attitude that Hollywood has, the only thing that they deserve is another Sacheen Littlefeather-like lecture on their facade.
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